Hitting a wall

In the spirit of J Small Z, I thought I would do some confessing and sharing of my own.

When it comes to loving difficult people, I have recently discovered that I am in sin there.  I’m sure you are thinking, “No shit, Sherlock!”.   Well let me elaborate.  You see, my approach to loving difficult people, has been to feel sorry for their inability to see how difficult they are, extend them grace, and stay out of their way.  Difficult people scare me.  My mother was difficult and a sister I grew up with was difficult.  I think it was the display of infantile anger that scared me.   Maybe from time to time, when convenient, I would say something “nice”, or do something for them, that I think would be construed as caring.  Another good strategy was to play dumb, “What?  I had no idea that my comment or action was offensive to you”.  Yeh right, nice passive-aggressive action.  Like pouring hot coals on their heads – these worked like a charm.  So the pattern still continues.   As Katy Downs spoke last Weds.  I realized I am stuck in my ability to love.  I literally do not know what to do when I am confronted with  a nasty comment,  a scowl, or even at times – presense – of someone I have at that moment deemed as “difficult”.   It’s like hitting a wall.                         Brain bubbles start flying:

          “Should I ask what’s wrong – no they’ll just growl at me and say ”Nothing!”. “”.     ”Should I tell them their comment was uncalled for or uncaring?” No, they’ll just get defensive and put it back on me that  I have the problem.  

      OMG!  Yes, it’s probably me.  I am the one with the problem.  I need to just shut up, go home , and pray about it.  What is wrong with me…” 

 What’s wrong with me is that I am stuck at that point, I have hit the Wall and I don’t know how to deal.  My mind literally goes blank.   If it were one of my kids who did that, I would automatically call them on it.  “OK, that was rude, knock it off!”.  Or, “I can see that you are angry, and don’t try to deny it, what is up with you?”.   Do I say this to an adult?  Who the hell knows what you can say to an adult, especially when they are not acting like an adult.  I am obviously scared to go there.   – I’m scared of saying something, then they say what I think they are going to say, then my mind goes blank- totally blank, and I end up apologizing, and out of embarrassment I never speak with that person again.  That’s the fear. 


can’t wait for next weeks class.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.