The Pretender

I have had an interesting couple of days this past week.  Many things have come into my mind, and many things are finally being resolved, some more positive than others.  Well I had a revelation this weekend, and things need to start changing around here!  I have had this thought in my head that I was such an amazing spiritual dude when in turn I am exactly the opposite.  I am probably one of the meanest, most selfish, lying, backstabbing son of a bitches I know.  I try to hide my evilness from the world sometimes I’m good at hiding it and other times I’m completely obvious.  The worst thing is when I realized that I couldn’t control myself and I just kept doing things without knowing it.  I have been lying for most of my life, normally little lies that didn’t matter; I would do it just to make myself either look better, or to be more exciting.  I didn’t think I lied that much but… I really do and it sucks so bad.  (I was just talking to an old friend today and he said that the reason he isn’t friends with this one kid anymore is because he betrayed his trust and they were best friends for years, but sadly not anymore.)          


My lies have finally come back to haunt me, even the people I love and care for, I have lied to.  For no good reason I have lied to these people.  It was at that point that I realized that I’m not that good of a guy at all. I thought I was “a pretty good guy”, but I’m straight up evil.  Then I started to think about all the other things I do wrong, I’m selfish its always about me, I mean the rare times that I do get out of myself and relate with people is as I said rare.  I am essentially a pretender pleading ignorance.. “Oh I didn’t know any better.”  psh bitch please, I guess this is where all those times when I thought B was an idiot with a plan that made no sense actually makes some sense. All those times he said he was going to change and then called him self the noobie… I’m sorry I meant the New B, actually fuels my decision to become the New-dock in memory of the old Hudock. 


I cant even express how sorry I am to the people I have hurt.  I have prayed about this all weekend, and it is time to start over, time for a new change to occur.  I need to start loving, start growing in the Lord scripture, and start living a true life, because even the Holy Spirit can be lied to and it is so sorrowful right now.  All this aside I’m making a promise today to not only God and myself but to all of my friends for who knows what reason have stuck by me all these years, that my days of lying are not at an end but dodd-damn it, I am going to change myself to be a man of truth and to stop being such a selfish lying SOB.  God will help me walk the new path of righteousness this is my condition, God and the spirit has convicted me to correct my errors so that I may start living in that position.


I found this little passage from acts 5, that talks about this liar and what happens when lies really do come back to haunt you…


 1Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. 2With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet. 3Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God.” 5When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. 6Then the young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him.  7About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”

      “Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”  9Peter said to her, “How could you agree to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.” 10At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.




In a relationship, trust is key, without trust there is no basis for love.  I have been very immature  all this time and as I said before, things need to change around here, I cant take back my lies, all I can say is I’m a filthy sinful liar.  I don’t expect old relationships to come magically back together; in fact I expect that some of the people that I have lied to, to not even give a damn about me anymore. I don’t blame them, all I can say is I’m going to try to change this, and start speaking truth.   With the help of the Lord I’m going to change and become true to everything, I will be able to speak the Lords word with authority and live a true life without lies.

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