When I come to that point I have a choice. The room is flooded with voices, energy vibrates throught limbs, those little white squares are chatting away through a smile that leads to a window of uninterrupted noise. It is positively enjoyable, but not for me. I am standing on the edge of a cliff, not bothering to acknowledge the nothingness I am about to get stuck in. My head is filling with thoughts of loneliness and disregard which exit through my eye sockets are pitiful tears. There is no point. I am never going to get what I want.
Emotion is my best friend for it will never turn me away when I come for self pity. My thoughts carry emotion through my veins to consume my whole very being. By the time this happens, on lookers just comprehend a very black hole sitting alone on a couch. Very unattractive. I see the stares I recieve and look at my reflection, how pathetic. The very weakness of my image makes me plunge into an even further state of self pity. I can’t stop now.
As i sit on the edge of the cliff, I lean forward. I can feel my grip loosen on the gravel under me. My hair swings against my damp cheeks. The cold wind swoops up to me from the black pit, pushing me, pushing me… the voice wakes me up. I dont flinch, just my eyes flicker open. My body about to dangle over an entire moment of depression. My eyes open, and I realize what I am about to do. I see the tears, I hear the angry words coming from my mouth. I feel the heart ripping loneliness of knowing what I put myself through but trying to blame others. I see my homeless form lying in bed, willing itself to sleep but unsuccesful because it knows the morning wont bring sunshine…
I see what is in for me if I decide to plunge into the shattering shadows. Hope destroyed… if even for one night. I see it and I lean back.
I lay myself down on the solid ground which never seemed so warm before. The soft vibrations call to me and happy light is beckoning from every warm smile in the room.
I make it official. I stand not looking back to the deep crevase of my mind but forward to the open arms of those sweet souls waiting to forgive and forget whatever mistake I was about to make… I made my choice.
It isn’t easy ignoring yourself especially when you value what you say. I know I talk about making a choice to be happy a lot… well, I just took you through what that choice is. What it is like to decide to be positive and not focus on the dangerous thoughts of self.
I experienced this tonight. I was very far in, even got to the point where I sat on the couch alone. But then I thought to myself: is this one little thing really worth ruining my night? Is it really a big deal? No and no. I had over exaggerated one thought that spread like a weed through my head and heart (and boy, those two can be real convincing when they are working together, lemme tell you.)
The sad truth is I go through this A LOT… My mind spins these webs I love to follow because the main focus is, you guessed it, ME!
But , that is me being negative because I used to give in every time. I look back and wonder how many nights i ruined because things werent going my way… Now, I feel the difference. And its a difference.
Going against my mind and heart scares me.. but that just proves I cant do it. Theres something else inside me that pulls me away from that ledge… the spirit.
I dont know if I will ever never be depressed but I havent in the longest time. And I have someone to thank for that. Someone I owe credit of all my relationships and every night of fun to. He showed me the otherside of things. Helps me see the result if I do give in. His love turns me around. And His body walks me away.
I am so happy I dont waste my time in my dark thoughts anymore. Cause, lets face it, that was pathetic and disguisting. They were so time & energy consuming, I have said I’m done. This is what makes me happy now. Having a good time & loving instead of hating every second of my life and being selfish. Its a change but firstly a choice… and I couldnt make it or make it through alone.