Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
I can read all night and day. I love reading, I’ve been reading since I’ve known how to read. Reading comprehension is one of my academic strengths… So why the hell did I miss this?
My life’s been great. I was raised in a loving home, parents still together, very close to my two sisters and friends all along the way. This year, it was the greatest it has ever been; I’m a senior in high school and a leader of our high school ministry! Of course this year would be amazing… and it was until it came to a dead still stop.
Maybe I am being over dramatic, but it’s Elli. My first year of high school I lost my whole cell group. All six of them and they took their friendships with them. My closest friend was in a different school and I was stuck as the youngest in a group of crazy people who loved the Lord. I was a Christian but I can hardly say I was walking. That year I got real depressed (refer to my earliest blog posts) and distracted, but after my older wordies showed me love and what it’s like with God, freshman year was the year I started walking. Since then, I have had spurts of outreach. Some friends come around for a month or two but never stay. Junior year I was increasingly devastated by this fact, but that’s the year I became a leader. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. The summer and forward I was so happy. I could feel the effects of everything the Lord had given me and was coasting on the power and hope that gives you. Starting senior year, I actually gained outreach! One of my friends became a christian, I had spiritual conversations every day in class, one of my other friends comes regularly to word and I’ve been working with a brother’s sister.I had friends everywhere I looked and had not been depressed for the longest time. I even started listening to happy music.
The part where it came to an abrupt stop was about a month ago…
An important part of senior year is the fact you won’t be there again. I was sooooooooo looking forward to moving out and doing whatever I wanted! I was making all these plans in my head for what next year was going to be like! Basically, moving out was why I wanted to go to college, was my goal in life… and it was shattered. at a family night. It was a happy family night… but then Adi said she wanted to talk to me. At that moment I knew it was something big, I could feel my parents eyes on me… of course, they already knew I hated that. Adi told me I couldn’t move into the ministry apartment next year. It felt like I was drowning. I smiled and nodded not really comprehending what she continued to say. There were no tears until she told me why. I honestly can’t remember fully but the reasons were something along the lines of me not taking the ministry as mine and sucking off of my friends also, not having anyone move up with me…
That last one was the part that pushed me from sad to… well, there are no words to really describe what I felt. All I know is that I’ve never felt so… hurt. I was angry: she knew I struggled with outreach my whole life and now that I actually have some, she doesn’t even give me credit. I was sad: what was I going to do now that I’m not good enough? At one point I thought it’s impossible then, impossible to please you! If I’m not good enough now, how am I ever going to be? Why should I try anymore? What’s the point? No matter what I do there’s no way I will ever reach that goal…
My whole sweet life, coasting on happiness, sitting in the clouds, just caught on fire. I was going to be stuck at home, in college, with no outreach and hopeless. Hopeless… That’s where I was. And for a week or two after, that’s how I remained.
If the Lord never gave me success before, he’s not going to now.
This is the first time in my life I can ever recall being angry at God.
So I was stuck in self pity…
And what do you know, I was lifted out of my self pity pit by who else but the body. After finally expressing what had just happened to me (and a couple other things that went down hill but this is the big one) the people that I thought were against me were there for me. I talked to several people, random people, and I told them of what I was going through… how I was being broken.
They all had good insight for me, good ways of looking at it and they all told me to be grateful for it… I mean I did pray for this. I prayed God would carry out his will with me and change me. But, this is like a whole lot more than I expected, which is exactly the issue here… I think.
From the moment I believed that this could be a good thing, I tried looking at what the Lord was trying to show me through all this. Issues like pride and control (especially control) I think are what’s being brought to light. I am super duper control freak with all my plans and crazy expectations, I never fully submit to God. I don’t know why! I want to! I dooo! But there’s moments when I have to map out everything, even my day, to the last precise detail.
So that proverb really kinda hit me hard.
It clicked that the Lord was doing something good from this. Just like Keith was teaching and just like it’s shown in 1 Samuel, how can the Lord work with an… unwilling…. heart? I think he’s transforming me so I am able to do his will.
I mean, that would connect a whole lot of dots.
So I can’t lie, it’s been a little hard lately. I’m shown new areas I am trying to control everyday. Like one this weekend, I always try to control how people view me. Who likes me. What we are doing after Word. Every one around me putting them down… Kind of depressing but I really hope I make it through this.
I’m truly just trying to coast now, go with whatever the Lord wants for me, not what I want. It’s hard and sometimes I don’t even know where to go. Lately, in those situations, I close my eyes and pray to him. It can get VERY frustrating not knowing what is going to happen… but, he comes through when he wants. Sometimes in obvious ways like speaking through someone or sometimes in less obvious ways challenging what my actual motivation is in our relationship… (Like do I want to do this for HIM or so I can be recognized as an awesome person… yeah I know pathetic but seriously what I am facing.)
So… the Lord and I… Our relationship was kind of rocky. But it was knocked off the tracks to be realigned. I believe it won’t be at full speed for awhile… We have a lot of issues to hash out and I am quite the fighter sometimes (hopefully we get to that issue sooner than later.)
What I like about blogging is the Lord showing me what I have. I just felt like writing to rant and by the end of this post, I have a completely different view of my situation. I feel thankful, relieved and… ready. Thank. You. Lord.
In the meantime while we are still regaining and revising our relationship, does anyone who made it through to the end of this pitiful post have any suggestions on how to deal with these issues being brought up through this breaking?
Or any other feedback… like books of the Bible to read… I’ve never been through this before (another example of how plush my life has been) but I really hope I can learn to submit to his will and make the most of this.
…especially before moving out on my own! Thank God I’m going through this now and not dealing with this on top of the hundreds of other things that come up when living in a ministry apartment. So there’s another way to look at it: the Lord could actually be making me ready to move out.