Today is a magical day. Today I’m allowed to stop worrying so much, tell acquaintances I’m pregnant, and think I might actually have a baby. Today I’m magically supposed to be less tired (seems true), less naseous (never really was), and eat 300 more calories a day! My due date still seems pretty abstact, but at least it doesn’t feel completely irrelevant as it did the past three months.
Today I also declared that I’m allowed to look at baby magazines, read pregnancy books, and read What is a Family? by Edith Schaeffer. Although I probably won’t get to this right away as I need to finish the appendix of God’s Strategy in Human History.
I know there are no guarantees, but I’ve been feeling more confident and less nervous for the last couple weeks. Maybe it’s just that “honeymoon” period after hearing the heartbeat, but with weeks till I have my next OB visit to worry about. Maybe it’s getting a month past the point of my last loss. Sometimes I feel like I should be worrying more, because I don’t want to get my hopes up too much and take anything for granted. But I am just trying to enjoy each day and thank God for bringing me this far.
I got really anxious and emotional before my last appointment. Watching a sad movie the night before (Neil’s choice) probably wasn’t the best idea, either. I was just thinking, even if my appointment goes great, I still have over six months left for things to go wrong, and then if I have a baby that’s another lifetime of worry and there’s bound to be sorrow. Sometimes I wonder what the heck am I doing, but God thought creating us was worth it, even knowing every tragedy that would ever occur in human history. Love is worth it, and that must be why he not only created us, but gave us the ability to create life.
I also realized recently that I’ve never wanted something so much in my life. Maybe that’s bad. Like I should want my friends and family to come to God this much, for example. The intensity of the desire is similiar, but wanting a baby is so much more sustained and so inextricably close to my heart. And I know God put that desire there. It’s not really rational, and I was holding out for a while, but a switch sort of flipped in my brain and I knew this is what I’m made for (among other things).
Going through the losses made me want this more and made me less scared of pregnancy and childbirth (though not less scared of raising a kid). I probably got somewhat desensitized to at least a few fears through all the blood draws and surgery and what not. I’m really grateful to have a bit more courage, since before I ever wanted kids I would worry almost daily about the medical aspects of having a baby.
There’s a lot more I could say but there are many other things I should be doing, so that’s all for now.