I’m an idiot.

In Pride & Prejudice when Elizabeth turns to her sister and can hardly admit, but feels the burden of the mistakes she’s made due to pride… all she wants to say is “I’m such a fool! I’ve been so blind!” Well, that’s how I feel. Except I did tell my sister that, but instead of acting on it I’ve been wallowing in self pity. It’s been a month or two when I’ve really realized I’m not on my A-game with the Lord. It’s taken me forever, but after reading this old blog I wrote I actually know why I am feeling this way. Seriously, I was going through my old blogs laughing at my dramatics when I came across one that said, “I wrote this to remind me in the future of what I have and to remind me of how personal God’s love is.”

I read the blog which is about God’s love and I was like… I wrote that? I’ve changed so much, but lately I’ve been so selfish! And I didn’t realize this until now? Have I been blind? Honestly, my first thought was how could God let me get to this point? But I think I know the answer to that question…

How could I let me get to this point? God only changes you if you want to be changed and I wasn’t letting him touch me. Man, I just feel really humbled right now. It must be a pride thing… I thought I was doing fairly descent with Him, but I’ve been focusing on all the wrong things.

Anyway, I write these blogs to express my feelings, but also so that whoever reads this can learn from my mistakes. I’ve been sinking in my spiritual walk with the Lord and it is not pleasant. So I decided to ask myself if this is something I really wanted… My first answer was: I don’t want to do anything (which scared me because that shows how far I’ve fallen.) But I look at who I am and how I am affecting other people today compared to how the Lord has used me before & I have realized, I want to be useful. I’m called to be useful. What is the point of my being if not to do the Lord’s work? And why wouldn’t we want to do that? What else is more fulfilling? Maybe the reason I’ve been so into myself is because I haven’t been into the Lord… Sorry, this is like what went through my head (all about me, I know it’s pathetic.)

I really encourage anyone out there who is struggling with being complacent in their walk to go to God and look at what he has given you compared to what you have given you… And if you decide it is something you want to do (do work for God,) then to work on making His will your will.. That is not going to come naturally…. Trust me. It requires discipline and depending on the Lord which are 2 things easier said than done.

I will report back & let you know how this goes for me… I will be with my sisters in Christ about this too. They’ve been so encouraging thus far so I really think that it’s time for me to stop focusing on myself and start loving others.

So now I blogged it, now the world knows, now I have a little something extra to hold me accountable… HAHA. Thank you everyone for putting up with super selfish me these past few months. I will always be selfish, but you are more important to me than anything & have been for awhile. Thanks to the Lord.

About elli

I'm trying to "realize the full assurance of hope until the end." To be an "imitator of those who through faith and patience inherit the promise." And spreading the "unchangeableness" and "hope" of God's purpose. Heb. 7
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