So, I have been blogging about Human trafficking lately, but now I am going to take time to talk about me. Ha ha ha. Well, remember that blog entitles “I’m an Idiot?” I said I would update about my situation, so here goes nothing…
The Lord works miracles. It is apparent all through scripture, new testament and old. His power is mighty, yet his control is fierce. These profound miracles are sometimes scary and overwhelming. However, these miracles are also a testament of his love. If he can rebuke a storm, imagine what his love is like.
This is what I have been learning lately. The Lord is great. He can handle anything I have to offer and everyone else’s problems. I guess that hit me when my sisters confronted me. That is when I realized I must change. If I don’t I would surely become useless. Uselessness is every person’s nightmare. Look at history. Humanism is so apparent because people tried so desperately to believe in themselves. (IP retreat 2012 what what.)
On top of that, learning about God’s rest in IP was very convicting. I remember struggling with the concept the first time I hear Keith teach it. This time it was refreshing, but so much more desirable. To be in a place where you can rely on the Lord so you are at rest? That sounds amazing. I can imagine a place where I go to the Lord everyday and turn it over to him. A place where all these thoughts whizzing around my head are taken captive before the Lord. And a place of celebration in everything the Lord has given us. People, circumstances, persecution, whatever. Celebrating in God’s rest.
Adding on, I want to be useful. I want to have relationships where I am contributing, not just taking. I want to share the gospel to those who have not heard. I want to take every thought captive. And I want to turn every day to the Lord for our days are numbered and to do something significant every day would be such an honor. Basically, I want to make God’s will my own. Do I? Do I really? Of course my flesh does not. My flesh would rather lie in bed all day, dreaming of my dream life in my dream chick flick with my dream romance and my dream prince charming. I’m weird like that.
So, I went to the Lord and asked him to change my heart. I am a princess who expects to get everything I want. I am immature, oversensitive, and I am rebellious at heart. This is not who I thought I was. I knew I was depraved, but I don’t think I believed it. I still fully don’t. I cry when I don’t get what I want and I can hardly deal with “suffering” when it comes my way. I don’t believe that everything good I have is from the Lord… and that deep down I am rebellious.
I need to learn how to be humble. How to love others without expecting love in return. I was so far away from this. I’d asked the Lord to change me before, but I felt this time was different. This time, I would be willing to do whatever it took even if it was hard for me because I couldn’t become complacent. Maybe I will hit a rough patch and want to turn back, but that is what my sisters in Christ are here for.
Why do I want to change? I am useless. I felt like I was not doing anything. What was the point of walking if I was not walking? If I make it through this step, I feel like I will be back on my feet with the Lord at my side. Hopefully. I want to love others, to see people get to God, to help my sisters grow (instead of just pulling them down.) I want the Lord’s will to be my own. No matter what it takes. I do not want to do this for selfish reasons nor do I want to take this lightly.
The Lord has already started to change my heart. Which is one of those miracles. I feel like it should almost be placed next to the Lord flooding the earth. If he can do that, he can even change a stubborn heart like mine. Lol. He has given me people at Akron to love and reach out to. He has given me beautiful sisters who I am dying to help in every possible way (I owe them!!!!!!!!) He has given me opportunity to serve in Word. He has given me things to be thankful for and people to put that on. I cannot believe it. I do not deserve it. This happened in weeks. I feel my relationships are already getting better. Although I have to struggle to keep my thoughts focused, it is definitely opportunity to trust God. I don’t deserve this!
He has also given me hope. I am so sure I have put this verse on here many, many times, but it is all too aplicable: And hope does not disappoint for the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:5)
This is all too long for someone who is trying to get their focus off of themselves, but taking a step back and looking at what the Lord has been doing for me is simply overwhelming. I feel so loved!
Thank you, members of the BOC who spoke into my life. Thank you, Lord!!!