I didn’t feel it. I didn’t want to do it. So, when Kate suggested I start reading a book all about truth, John, it was kind of a decision point. Do I want to live for the Lord? If I did, I’d find reason. Which would require work and some form of commitment. So, it was kind of a step of faith and a pre-decision if I wanted to give my life to the Lord or not.
So, I started reading. Nothing happened at first. The first 2 days were horrible. I didn’t know what I read and I’d read it as fast as possible to be done. I was also reading the Chronological Bible reading plan at the time so I was like OH GOD DOUBLE READING. I don’t know what happened or what changed, but as I read, daily, every word would stab me. I started to realize, woah, this is my God. This is Jesus. What he is saying IS true. I’d pray to the Lord before to humble me to understand, to humble me to his truth (and to always love and take the focus off of myself.) Afterwards, it was like I woke up again that morning. I started yearning for his Word every morning because it is truth. It is security. Starting my day with his word made the blood flow faster in my veins. Then, I started praying, praising, and just spending time with him for hours. I woke up early to be with him. It started being the best part of my day. As I read I knew his treasure was welling up inside of me. I didn’t only feel rejuvenated I knew I was. Then, it just started seeping out of me.
I looked around at everyone in my life and longed to love them just as Jesus loved me. I wanted to share his love with everyone near me. So, I turned to the girl sitting next to me in class and after a few minutes of casual conversation chickened out. Then, I set a goal with the Lord to ask a good friend why she doesn’t like talking about spiritual things. I waited an hour for her until our usual hang out time was over. I was so discouraged. I have this truth, why can’t I say it? I knew the answer. Why doesn’t anyone want it? I knew that answer, too.
I wish I could tell you guys how the Lord has been changing peoples lives through me. I wish I could tell you how great my relationships are. I wish I could tell you I am living my whole life for God, but I’m not. I won’t. I can’t. And I’ve given up too many times to count so why try again?
I’m probably super wrong, but I think that is just the problem. I grew up in a christian home. I got everything I wanted, I am still the most privileged person I know. I’ve known what grace is for a very, very long time. But I don’t value it. Or didn’t. Starting to… Maybe.
Growing up in a Christian home is a gift. If my parents weren’t involved in Xenos, I shutter to think about what I’d do to anyone who would have tried to evangelize to unchurched me. I take it for granted. In fact, I take grace for granted. I looked around at my friends, these forces in my home church who are pagan christians who weep when they talk about God’s forgiveness… and I just could’nt relate… I noticed this about a year ago. I couldn’t feel it anymore, I just knew it, but it wasn’t personal. God is a personal God so that couldn’t be right. Maybe I just didn’t need as much grace as others? HA. Yes, I did think that at one point (see my pride.) I laugh now seeing that these are the brothers and sisters the Lord uses to reveal his grace through. They are more powerful and more gifted than I, how could I have ever thought that?
Anyway, the result was a build up of feelings on the way home from a wonderful Spring Break and Kate sharing her experience as a christian kid. As she talked about not taking faith as her own, I started to understand. I knew everything (not everything, not even close, but I’m dramatic so can we continue on) but did I live it? She continued to talk about true faith holding on even when you don’t feel like it. This blew my mind. Acting on faith even when I don’t feel like it? Why the fuck would I do that?? I am Elli Morscher, if I didn’t feel it, I didn’t want it.
At this point of my life, I knew I was faced with a decision to give my whole life to God or not, so I tried to calculate this information into my equation, but it just did not compute. I couldn’t figure it out. How could I love people, love God, when I didn’t feel like it. That’s when Kate suggested John.
Ever since, the Lord has been pumping fire in my veins. I don’t know how to describe it. It isn’t what I should or shouldn’t do, it isn’t what my parents or leaders want me to do, it isn’t the right or wrong thing to do… it is the only thing to do. It is God’s word, God’s love. The more the Lord showed me, the more I saw how personal he is. Every thing the Lord was saying was true. It didn’t just hit me, I know it had to be him working on my hard heart, but slowly it is dawning on me that this is who my savior is. And slowly I am realizing he is more than I could ever live for, it’s an honor to know what I know, seen what I’ve seen and to love as I’ve been love.
And trust me, there’s been days when I haven’t felt like it. Some days I don’t even feel like getting into the word, but doing it based on truth is always advantageous. And the days I don’t feel like loving people, well, those are hard. But in the end, it’s not me doing it it is the Lord, so fuck what I’m feeling! It’s worth giving it up to give for him.
“My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me, and from finishing his work.” John 4:34
This turned into a post all about me, again, so you can see I am not changed. It’s a process the Lord and I have only just begun. But the more I learn about who he is and what he has done for me, the more I want to glorify that. The more I realize how there is nothing else out there–not even Elli’s World–that could be a life worth living compared to God’s love. I used to say that because I knew it’s what I should say. Now I say it because it’s the only thing to say. It’s worth my feelings, my wants, my plans, and my comfort. It’s worth everything I have because he’s given it to me. It’s worth my life because he is life.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
“All of us also lived among them at one time,gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions —it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:3-9