“How is Simon’s mom?” one of the ladies in my cardio hip hop class asked one morning when Simon was two months old. “That’s your new name–you’re Simon’s mom now.”
Motherhood is even more than a new name–it’s a new identity. And with it comes new challenges, lessons, and opportunities. I can’t say I love every minute of it, but Simon’s first year has certainly been my favorite year of life so far.
What’s hard? Not knowing the right thing to do. Doing the right thing. Worrying after you do the right thing whether it was right. But I already wrote a blog about that….The hardest thing is watching your heart run (or crawl or roll) around in a dangerous world. I have a hard time grasping that Simon is not mine–he’s a gift from a God, a stewardship He has entrusted me for a time. And I don’t know how long that time will be. I can’t even think too much about that question. But every day I thank God for Simon and the time we’ve had together, and pray that I can become the parent He wants me to be.
One night recently I was really wrestling with seeing Simon as God’s, not mine. I was trying to let go of him in a sense, and it was so hard. I didn’t think I succeeded, but I’ve felt a little less anxious ever since.
What have I learned? Mainly that I’m really really selfish, way more than I ever thought. Which sucks because I know this will affect Simon and I’ll be watching my sin run around on two legs. And I have a feeling subsequent babies will only unearth more immaturity. Being a parent has also been a challenge to our marriage. It’s hard to not take out my frustration and feeling drained on Neil. And I never understood what people meant by “communication problems” (which is not to say we didn’t have them) until this year. Now I can’t even complete a thought, let alone communicate one!
What opportunities have I gained? I always suspected that it’d be easier to make friends with women at the gym or wherever when I had a baby. I was right. Being a mom draws many women out of their shell and into communion (or commiseration) with other moms. I have made a lot of new friends from being a mom, and I don’t think my neighbor and I would hang out as much if we didn’t both have babies.
I love being Simon’s mom, and now I need to consider when to become someone else’s mom, too.