Elli's World

There’s a song I listen to over and over again, singing it loud, because it’s fun. But when I get to the line “If that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost,” the mood changes. If you know the story of Wicked, then I’m pretty sure any normal person would sympathize with Elphaba and comfort her. By the end of that story, who wouldn’t say to her “Yeah, your life is fucked. You can just take it easy now.” If I were her, I don’t know how I could have made it in life… Haha.

But that’s what is different. I don’t have to make it through a life that is full of rejection, humility, evil, and heart break alone.

For one, I don’t have a hard life. I have grown up a princess in a plush palace of pink and pansies. My parents are together, I have my own room, and I live in Stow. What do I have to complain about, right? Well, for some reason, I do complain. I am ungrateful, and I can’t help myself but to demand more love, more love! (sarcasm) From this, especially in my high school years, my relationships were few. When I did try to love some person it was hard. They would reject me or laugh at all my unsocial ways. So, when I heard this song and that line… I was in love. Love comes at much too high a cost.

Well, Kate recently taught on love at IP. If you have kept up on my blog, or have even read thus far you will know I have an interest in love. So I thoroughly enjoyed this teaching, Of course, it made me sad, as most things do, because I do not know how to truly love someone with everything I am. But it motivated me to learn.

Through this teaching, at the mention of discipline and I believe speaking into someone else’s life because you love them, I could think of one instance in my life that shaped my walk. Bryan Bassett, and the sweet heart that he is, confronted me. It was sophomore year of high school, I the summer before, he sat my sister and I down to talk after prayer one day. I remember it so well. I don’t know if that is because of the overwhelming shame I felt, but I remember it and reiterate this story at the beginning of every word school year. It’s not much, but it is the first time I was confronted by a peer. It wasn’t just any peer, it was someone I looked up to and loved. I wish I remembered his words exactly, but I do remember him saying: “What are you doing? You aren’t helping at all.” I remember sitting down with a smug look on my face, trying to just get this over with. But when he said this, I felt shame at first. Looking back on it, I was sarcastic and really  unproductive in word. I cannot imagine how frustrating I was. I demanded attention and fun every meeting. I was extremely infantile and would throw fits if I didn’t get what I wanted.

So, how hard it was for B to sit me down and try and put me on the right track. Though, I love him for caring, and seeing something in me enough to try. He had the ministry on his back. Only now do I realize how that feels after being a senior in word. Even though that confrontation was embarrassing at the time, it shaped my walk. I don’t remember how I was walking with the Lord at the time or if I even was, but I know that confrontation pushed me into a walk.

I wanted to share this after Kate’s teaching, but chickened out. If you do not see how this relates to her teaching, it is because I still feel loved from that moment. I was embarrassed at first, but it was one of the most loving things anyone has done for me. I am so thankful to Bryan.

I think I am only getting now what truth in love really means. I am not confronted by peers often, but when someone does approach me–after the feeling of shame or embarrassment–I am utterly grateful.

So I guess I just wanted to share that to encourage people to speak up in friends lives. I know that is one thing many people do, but if anyone is feeling scared or unqualified to do so, don’t! “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfect in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 john 4:18

I can say one conversation changed my life and is still motivating me today.

Thank God I do not have to go through life, even the plush life that I have, alone. God has given me an amazing body, but even more, he has given me himself… which is more than I could ever hope.

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Sooo… I was reading, but then I remembered I got a new Bible So I started going through and writing down a couple of my favorite verses. I noticed a common theme in these verses: Love. The sacrifice behind these words hit me and, after texting a couple friends “I Love you!”, I had to find someway to express this gratitude from what I read… So I wrote this to remind me in the future of what I have and to remind me of how personal God’s love is:

I’m in love.

I’m in love with life.

I’m in love with family and friends.

I’m in love with relationships.

I’m in love with creation–

I’m in love with my creator!

I’m in love with life!

I may not have stumbled and fallen in love,

it took many years and many tears.

But i am here now, glowing with the love that was poured into my heart (Rom. 5:5) by someone who knows me better than I do.

I’m in love with opportunities and chances.

I wouldn’t be here without forgiveness.

I feel my heart melt every time it encounters grace.

I’m completely in love with the walk I’ve been on for the past couple of years.

I’m trying to love where He takes me.

I’m in love with the love I’ve been shown, the patience I’ve been given, the care I’ve received.

I’m in love with the journey I’ve been sent to take and the fellow lovers who are on this mission with me.

I’m in love with the Almighty, and how he uses the weak like me to love.

Love is complex to an arrogant human like me.

But I’ve learned love does not brag (1 Cor. 13:4) and rejoices in truth (13:6).

I do not know everything about love, but He knows me. And he won’t stop loving me (Psalms 100:5).

Without love… I’d imagine I’d be nothing.

Love has shown me the beauty in faith and hope (1 Cor. 13:13).

But there’s no turning back, I’m too in love.

It may not be with a man or some other form of substitution,

because I am in love with love (1 John 4:16).

And I am able to love because He first loved me (1 John 4:18-19).

And love never fails (Rom. 5:5).

I think I am mostly amazed because a year ago, would I have been able to say this? Love requires pain and hurt through discipline and being broken. Love requires failure and the revealing of which that can be a pain worse than anything physical at the time, but turn into overwhelming relief when these pains and sufferings are given to God. I am all the time overwhelmed and hardly have realize what I have. When God’s love shines through, it is unmistakable. And to know I am forever loved by this creator, this father, this most perfect best friend… How could I ever forget?
I thank you, body, for reminding me and loving me even in my most ridiculous of moods. I cannot ever repay you, just know I love you. I do not know the full meaning of those three words, who really does, but from what God has shown me I know I love Him and I love you. And let me tell you, love is relief for someone who has been obsessed with hate for a good part of their life. I don’t deserve it, but I feel that I am loved and it is motivation to love others. Thank God for everything I have been through because I would be so far away without it. Thank God for forgiveness and grace! Thank God for this body and thank God for love. Without love, I cannot imagine. But I do not need to because I have a reason to live now because of it.

LIMITS.

My mind is big.

It has a lot of space.

It’s easy for two feet to lose their place.

My voice it echos. My cry unheard.

Just a voice in the wind, in my own mind.

In my own mind: time, it dies.

I can’t control any any controls me.

My mind is fine, without me. I am fine, without my mind.

Sometimes I wish it would leave, Just for a day, so I could be free.

Somedays I think it’s forgettable, then the next day it leaves me regrettable.

My mind is apart of me. Shouldn’t it be?

But I want to be free, It won’t let me be.

I cringe and I crawl, on the  fringe I ball.

Ball up in the warmth of my mind.

Because it leaves me where I want to be…

…Oh how my mind betrays me.

Leave me here where I can look at the lights and people’s fights.

Leave me here as an ambivalent observer who lives off of the scene, but never in it.

Leave me here to figure my way out alone.

Leave me here to find adventure and to find love. 

Leave me here, alone.

To have wings…

Proverbs 3:5-10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

I can read all night and day. I love reading, I’ve been reading since I’ve known how to read. Reading comprehension is one of my academic strengths… So why the hell did I miss this?

My life’s been great. I was raised in a loving home, parents still together, very close to my two sisters and friends all along the way. This year, it was the greatest it has ever been; I’m a senior in high school and a leader of our high school ministry! Of course this year would be amazing… and it was until it came to a dead still stop.

Maybe I am being over dramatic, but it’s Elli. My first year of high school I lost my whole cell group. All six of them and they took their friendships with them. My closest friend was in a different school and I was stuck as the youngest in a group of crazy people who loved the Lord. I was a Christian but I can hardly say I was walking. That year I got real depressed (refer to my earliest blog posts) and distracted, but after my older wordies showed me love and what it’s like with God, freshman year was the year I started walking. Since then, I have had spurts of outreach. Some friends come around for a month or two but never stay. Junior year I was increasingly devastated by this fact, but that’s the year I became a leader. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. The summer and forward I was so happy. I could feel the effects of everything the Lord had given me and was coasting on the power and hope that gives you. Starting senior year, I actually gained outreach! One of my friends became a christian, I had spiritual conversations every day in class, one of my other friends comes regularly to word and I’ve been working with a brother’s sister.I had friends everywhere I looked and had not been depressed for the longest time. I even started listening to happy music.

The part where it came to an abrupt stop was about a month ago…

An important part of senior year is the fact you won’t be there again. I was sooooooooo looking forward to moving out and doing whatever I wanted! I was making all these plans in my head for what next year was going to be like! Basically, moving out was why I wanted to go to college, was my goal in life… and it was shattered. at a family night. It was a happy family night… but then Adi said she wanted to talk to me. At that moment I knew it was something big, I could feel my parents eyes on me… of course, they already knew I hated that. Adi told me I couldn’t move into the ministry apartment next year. It felt like I was drowning. I smiled and nodded not really comprehending what she continued to say. There were no tears until she told me why. I honestly can’t remember fully but the reasons were something along the lines of me not taking the ministry as mine and sucking off of my friends also, not having anyone move up with me…

That last one was the part that pushed me from sad to… well, there are no words to really describe what I felt. All I know is that I’ve never felt so… hurt. I was angry: she knew I struggled with outreach my whole life and now that I actually have some, she doesn’t even give me credit. I was sad: what was I going to do now that I’m not good enough? At one point I thought it’s impossible then, impossible to please you! If I’m not good enough now, how am I ever going to be? Why should I try anymore? What’s the point? No matter what I do there’s no way I will ever reach that goal…

My whole sweet life, coasting on happiness, sitting in the clouds, just caught on fire. I was going to be stuck at home, in college, with no outreach and hopeless. Hopeless… That’s where I was. And for a week or two after, that’s how I remained.

If the Lord never gave me success before, he’s not going to now.

This is the first time in my life I can ever recall being angry at God.

So I was stuck in self pity…

And what do you know, I was lifted out of my self pity pit by who else but the body. After finally expressing what had just happened to me (and a couple other things that went down hill but this is the big one) the people that I thought were against me were there for me. I talked to several people, random people, and I told them of what I was going through… how I was being broken.

They all had good insight for me, good ways of looking at it and they all told me to be grateful for it… I mean I did pray for this. I prayed God would carry out his will with me and change me. But, this is like a whole lot more than I expected, which is exactly the issue here… I think.

From the moment I believed that this could be a good thing, I tried looking at what the Lord was trying to show me through all this. Issues like pride and control (especially control) I think are what’s being brought to light. I am super duper control freak with all my plans and crazy expectations, I never fully submit to God. I don’t know why! I want to! I dooo! But there’s moments when I have to map out everything, even my day, to the last precise detail.

So that proverb really kinda hit me hard.

It clicked that the Lord was doing something good from this. Just like Keith was teaching and just like it’s shown in 1 Samuel, how can the Lord work with an… unwilling…. heart? I think he’s transforming me so I am able to do his will.

I mean, that would connect a whole lot of dots.

So I can’t lie, it’s been a little hard lately. I’m shown new areas I am trying to control everyday. Like one this weekend, I always try to control how people view me. Who likes me. What we are doing after Word. Every one around me putting them down… Kind of depressing but I really hope I make it through this.
I’m truly just trying to coast now, go with whatever the Lord wants for me, not what I want. It’s hard and sometimes I don’t even know where to go. Lately, in those situations, I close my eyes and pray to him. It can get VERY frustrating not knowing what is going to happen… but, he comes through when he wants. Sometimes in obvious ways like speaking through someone or sometimes in less obvious ways challenging what my actual motivation is in our relationship… (Like do I want to do this for HIM or so I can be recognized as an awesome person… yeah I know pathetic but seriously what I am facing.)

So… the Lord and I… Our relationship was kind of rocky. But it was knocked off the tracks to be realigned. I believe it won’t be at full speed for awhile… We have a lot of issues to hash out and I am quite the fighter sometimes (hopefully we get to that issue sooner than later.)

What I like about blogging is the Lord showing me what I have. I just felt like writing to rant and by the end of this post, I have a completely different view of my situation. I feel thankful, relieved and… ready. Thank. You. Lord.

In the meantime while we are still regaining and revising our relationship, does anyone who made it through to the end of this pitiful post have any suggestions on how to deal with these issues being brought up through this breaking?

Or any other feedback… like books of the Bible to read… I’ve never been through this before (another example of how plush my life has been) but I really hope I can learn to submit to his will and make the most of this.

…especially before moving out on my own! Thank God I’m going through this now and not dealing with this on top of the hundreds of other things that come up when living in a ministry apartment. So there’s another way to look at it: the Lord could actually be making me ready to move out.

Thanks Body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Defining high school? The definition to high school is definition.

I consider myself kind of a pro in this field seeing as though I am a current 4th year student at Stow high. Up until last year, I was on the pursuit to find who Elli Morscher really is.

These kids get so caught up in throwing around different personas of themselves, its ridiculous. But, I don’t need to tell you that, it’s obvious. I believe I have gone through 10 different shades of Elli in one week. My mind changes every hour about who I am thus I change. I am who I want to be. And our motivation? To be who everyone else wants us to be. PERIOD. We all seek to stick out attractively to other people, no matter what we see. High school is people pleasing.

So for me, that got old real fast. Not speed of light fast like, 2.5 years fast… So it took me awhile to catch on all this effort put into being an “amazing person” is not worth it.
I realized being a “person” isn’t even worth bragging about.
I see the high school as a mud pit. A mud pit with a bunch of worms crawling on top of each other to be the highest (take that every way it can come off as.)
That is who people are no matter how much we paint ourselves, bulk up or drink. WE can’t change the inside.

So I got a little depressed about that…

But, today I felt as if I was shining bright, beautiful light out of every pore of my body. How’s that?

No matter how fucked my week is, I still feel different at my high school. Every day, it’s in my insides. I walk the halls, listen to debates, watch people and I feel different. I have a motivation to live, I have meaning. I am defined.

It’s like I am published. I’m not better than anyone or smarter, I am just stamped and sealed permanently while most of the other kids are walking around blank and failing at finding how to get published.

And sometimes I can see people catch on, look at me differently. I get a lot of different looks but every one of them, I don’t have to add to my definition because I’m already set.

And when I do share why I am so different… well… they think “how weird.”

They think it’s weird and why wouldn’t they?

They either hear about a loving savior who gave his life for someone else’s… or they approach a packed house full of kids glowing, defined, just like me.

They take a step back, flabbergasted, and think this must be a cult!

Because when they walk in, they see some crazy different kids sitting down to listen to someone with a Bible in front of them. They see people congratulate the teacher and sit in conversation about what was just taught. They get asked about their life to the extent where they had to think and really had to think. The undefined person would chat with a smiling friend as so many other smiling, glowing kids came up to them, one by one to introduce themselves personally. They would see how many different people there were in the same room: a middle age woman talking to a freshman in high school both sincere. And they would step back and see all these things making one big fire. Radiating warmth. Nothing they have ever seemed before. May be overwhelming, especially the first time, because this weird concept just became larger than life.

And why wouldn’t it be weird? I mean it is weird. High schoolers–kids–coming together to study the Bible? From jocks to english nerds? Talking, socializing… relating? Boys and girls? Different years in hs?

And they were there to listen to a Bible teaching and pray…

This person would be experiencing the flame of Jesus Christ ignited and held high. They would be experiencing, maybe for the first time, people learning to sacrificially love one another. And they would be experiencing these defined folk supported by someone who loves them unconditionally….

So weird.

So different.

But, so bright…

While writing a letter to one of my dearest friends, my pen moved swift across the page fueled on inspiration of emotion…. until I came to the part where I had to explain the reason for my most recent motivation to live: Outlaw love.

My pen stopped, which is connected to my hand which is the instrument on my body that best maps out my thoughts from ideas to words that normal people can understand. (lol im so avant garde) Thus, my mind stopped as well. How exactly can I describe what being an outlaw is? which lead to: what is an outlaw? Which lead to a speedy collapse of my whole world (dont worry people, it happens daily.) I couldnt word it exactly and my poor friend wouldbe been stuck reading the words “bad ass,” “lovely,”JESUS,” and “cant explain” in complete disarray.

But, instead of giving up, someone erged me to reinvestigate what it means to be an Outlaw. Obviously, I would say the most precise example & definition of what an outlaw is is simple: Jesus. As I fumbled through some passages looking for verses for the ‘Outlaw verses’ assignment (which i was too tempted just to type THE WHOLE FUCKIN BIBLE in 76 font) I reread Jesus’ life in the gospels. It occured to me that all this time we had been saying how outlaw JC was, I was sitting there nodding my head & thats all… But, looking back through with the question “Outlaw?” in my head, I realized JC was badass… I mean I really felt like I was actually discovering it for myself.

And what stood out to me about how bamf outlaw Jesus was the most is how he knew it. Thats right. He straight up told his followers (in matthew) you are going to get hated on by the world because of me…

This answered an even more confusing question of mine: what is Outlaw love? How the tish do we DO that?

When I read this passage in Matthew, it opened my eyes to how fearful the world is. I didn’t know how to describe it till my dad said fearful at family night but hell yeah, they are scared shitless especially when they come face to face with an outlaw bearing the sword in one hand and love in the other.

(Another point that struck me was when JC said he didnt come here to make peace, he came here as a sword. He came to cut our world apart and and show us what we are so scared of.)

But back to love… I couldnt describe Outlaw love… I mean I LOVE LOVE! All kinds of love. I weep everytime I read Sense & Sensibility! I am all about love! But outlaw love, i think, is a combination of two factors I have yet to unearth: Love & Authority. Yeah, yeah ‘Love authority’ i know i know… but this is different… kind of. Outlaw love is loving someone outside of their boundries.  Not ‘i guess ill love them’ or ‘if thats okay with you,’ it is just like Jesus did, learning & teaching & saying no & saying yes & enjoying gpd’s gifts & depending on eachother & doing whatever it takes to love eachother no matter how wrong you are… how uncomfortable you are… how lazy you are… how strange the other person is. And it is all relying on God…

It’s a completely different way of loving people. I think I’m pretty wrong but that’s my impression of what it is so far. I haven’t loved many people with this ‘Outlaw love’ mind set… because I just discovered this formula… I’ll let you know how it goes.

Outlaws love to love. They enjoy what god gives them (ecclesiastes) and learn from eachother….

Being an outlaw isn’t being hard & alone. It’s quite the opposite. But with the mentality to pierce through the layer of fear people have over their heart with the power of the man Jesus Christ in your heart.

It’s so simple yet no one gets it… It’s one of the oldest ways to live life yet nobody remembers… It’s Jesus.

When I come to that point I have a choice. The room is flooded with voices, energy vibrates throught limbs, those little white squares are chatting away through a smile that leads to a window of uninterrupted noise. It is positively enjoyable, but not for me. I am standing on the edge of a cliff, not bothering to acknowledge the nothingness I am about to get stuck in. My head is filling with thoughts of loneliness and disregard which exit through my eye sockets are pitiful tears. There is no point. I am never going to get what I want.

       Emotion is my best friend for it will never turn me away when I come for self pity. My thoughts carry emotion through my veins to consume my whole very being. By the time this happens, on lookers just comprehend a very black hole sitting alone on a couch. Very unattractive. I see the stares I recieve and look at my reflection, how pathetic. The very weakness of my image makes me plunge into an even further state of self pity. I can’t stop now.

      As i sit on the edge of the cliff, I lean forward. I can feel my grip loosen on the gravel under me. My hair swings against my damp cheeks. The cold wind swoops up to me from the black pit, pushing me, pushing me… the voice wakes me up. I dont flinch, just my eyes flicker open. My body about to dangle over an entire moment of depression. My eyes open, and I realize what I am about to do. I see the tears, I hear the angry words coming from my mouth. I feel the heart ripping loneliness of knowing what I put myself through but trying to blame others. I see my homeless form lying in bed, willing itself to sleep but unsuccesful because it knows the morning wont bring sunshine…

     I see what is in for me if I decide to plunge into the shattering shadows. Hope destroyed… if even for one night. I see it and I lean back.

    I lay myself down on the solid ground which never seemed so warm before. The soft vibrations call to me and happy light is beckoning from every warm smile in the room.

      I make it official. I stand not looking back to the deep crevase of my mind but forward to the open arms of those sweet souls waiting to forgive and forget whatever mistake I was about to make… I made my choice.

It isn’t easy ignoring yourself especially when you value what you say. I know I talk about making a choice to be happy a lot… well, I just took you through what that choice is. What it is like to decide to be positive and not focus on the dangerous thoughts of self.

    I experienced this tonight. I was very far in, even got to the point where I sat on the couch alone. But then I thought to myself: is this one little thing really worth ruining my night? Is it really a big deal? No and no. I had over exaggerated one thought that spread like a weed through my head and heart (and boy, those two can be real convincing when they are working together, lemme tell you.)

     The sad truth is I go through this A LOT… My mind spins these webs I love to follow because the main focus is, you guessed it, ME!

   But , that is me being negative because I used to give in every time. I look back and wonder how many nights i ruined because things werent going my way… Now, I feel the difference. And its a difference.

      Going against my mind and heart scares me.. but that just proves I cant do it. Theres something else inside me that pulls me away from that ledge… the spirit.

     I dont know if I will ever never be depressed but I havent in the longest time. And I have someone to thank for that. Someone I owe credit of all my relationships and every night of fun to. He showed me the otherside of things. Helps me see the result if I do give in. His love turns me around. And His body walks me away.

  I am so happy I dont waste my time in my dark thoughts anymore. Cause, lets face it, that was pathetic and disguisting. They were so time & energy consuming, I have said I’m done. This is what makes me happy now. Having a good time & loving instead of hating every second of my life and being selfish. Its a change but firstly a choice… and I couldnt make it or make it through alone.

This is going to be short, I have 20 minutes left in class.
I have been experiencing a lot lately. I thought, at first some of it was bad, then it was good then bad, now I’m pretty sure it is a good change but I will never know.
One change is basically my whole personality. I have forever been the melancholy stuck in a ditch with no friends all alone. Until this year.
Now, I am either the melancholy in a ditch (not as severe) or as happy as a sunny day. And trust me, it is entirely new. It may have been the first years of high school, myself taking it 10x harder than necessary. I remember praying that I would become more able to function without being crazy and to be, well, happy. Of course I was happy. I had spurts of happy and I had no reason to hate… but it was never long term.
But this year, man have things changed. I thought, at first, it was something with my body and growing up.. you know teen hormones and shit, but then it stayed. I wasn’t entirely oblivious to the reason, though it didnt hit me that this change could be spiritual & relate to my walk.
I have been learning a lot about walking with God this year. In the fall, I was extremely down. Excited about a new year but when I failed with much outreached and was rejected over and over, I felt completely and absolutely useless… hopeless.
Carrie & I were reading over Walking in Victory then…or just finished… im not sure. Of course, I skimmed the pages, got something out of every chapter but I did not uinderstand this idea of having an identity in God or a significance at all. I had completely convinced myself as a bored high schooler that i was smaller than a sea horse in the big ocean which is.. everyone.
I would express my feelings and my mom would pray for me, this “breaking” i was going through. At first, I was bitter at these words. I was bitter at everything, questioning why me?!? Why do I have to suffer these feelings… no one understands me.
To cut a couple months, a lot of tears and even more regrets out of the time line: I was wrong.
After we read some of Walking in Victory, we started going through the love ethics articles. As we read, my mind had to grasp these totally abstract concepts that I had never heard of before, growing up in a christian home i was very surprised by this. But one thing remained the same, since one of the first sit downs with Carrie, she always brought gratitude to my attention. Encouraging me to have a gratitude journal or think of things I am grateful daily or try to show someone I appreciate them, serve them. 
My mom also took many tries at making us appreciate what we have.  Whenever I pushed and yelled, she would send me to my room to write down ten things I am thankful for. I specifically remember hiding in a corner for a long time with  piece of paper numbered down to ten. When I heard her coming up the stairs, i wrote something like NOT MY MOM on the paper in big purple letters… I hate those kind of memories.
I still have many emotions but they aren’t evil anymore. I can be down but I have an extreme on the other end of the spectrum. And it lasts. My sister said to me yesterday that she sees more sanguine in me than phleg. This wasn’t a huge surprise to me, I expected a change over the past couple of months that I didn’t know what it was. I have been mel/phleg but now, i think i am leaning towards mel/sanguine… Maybe not completely, but I’m so happy. 
Over Florida confirmed my happiness. I had doubts the beginning of the vacation that it wouldnt be as great. then, something that never happened before happened: a voice in my head told me to shove it, I’m here, aren’t I? Enjoy it!

I think my prayers are getting anwered… it is intense.
I am so grateful because I have a lasting significance. I think I may have said this before but I want people to understand the meaning behind those words. Being me, I dont know what I think and I dont know which way is up and down. I drive myself crazy and always end up being the victim. But, when I hear the truth THE TRUTH, it brings me to reality. God’s word pulls me back showing me where I am and what I am to him. I know I am still this fucked up person in this dirty place but I also know how God sees me. How I am his child and how he waits for me to join him in heaven… how amazing is that?
I thought this change was bad at first because I wasn’t feeling all the feelings i usually felt. At first, I had no motivation to write and I was still sucking with outreach… But, i think this is a step I had to take to understand walking with God. It is no longer so… black and white to me. I appreciated the classic beauty… but, now it is colorful. Vibrant and such a beauty I want to stare at it all day but also wan to go out and share it. 

But, it has happened so fast that I don’t know if I should be saying it has happened yet.  

I hope that everyone learns apart of where they stand with God. It is a deep connection of love and grace that I cannot begin to put into words, even with how little I know. It has inspired me to read the Bible instead of Harry Potter, cry for joy rather than self pity and love people, even the annoying ones, rather than spending time alone.

I have to thank my friends for this change. They have been very patient with my crazy personality and their personalities have definitely shown me what it is like to be happy instead of sad the whole time. 

I have to thank my carrie for relentlessly taking my bull and dealing with my thoughts and slowness with such care I didn’t know could come from such a choleric.

I have to forever thank my parents for loving me and how I am. What more can I say other than I love you.

I don’t deserve a body of Christ like this. I like to call them family… You guys look after me so much & Are super inspiring. 

I thank my sister for being my best friend and sharing her struggles with me so I can learn with her. And for letting me cry on her shoulder when I needed her. and all the word vomit.

And of course I am entirely beyond words with how I feel about God, my father. I would be nowhere without you, Lord. 

Thank you