The Lord accepts us whatever we do, whoever we are, and however we decide to behave. But, I think this passage really backs up what I’ve been feeling lately: to not be controlled by my sin. Of course I am going to sin, but that doesn’t mean I have to live by it and take my identity from it. I cannot change my ways on my own, I need the Lord for that. I think the biggest area I struggle with is thought life. Many sins are committed there, but I don’t want that to be the way I think. I want to think righteous things! I want my thought to be focused on others through encouragement, ways to love them, and what to talk to them about.

It’s something else, trusting the Lord in your life… But trusting in the Lord with your thought life, to me, is unthinkable.

See what I did there… lol.

I guess there’s a lot of stuff you can get from this passage, but that’s what I’ve been going through and what I feel like I needed to hear… It’s kind of crazy how the Word works like that. It isn’t “up for interpretation” in the modern sense, rather it’s applicable to everything… for the most part. I think.

Those of you tired of marriage can opt to “Live Alone Together”. Does it make any sense?

In case you haven’t heard, we live in the era of “LAT” couples, they call it: “Living Alone Together,” if you can make sense of it. LAT is a new way to form a dysfunctional marriage (as if we don’t already have enough marriage alternatives). LAT was once called a “separation”, which was a temporary placeholder for a divorce – if they worked things out, the marriage was resumed. Today a “separation” is a LAT relationship and a workable marriage alternative. Both people are living alone and therefore getting along better, so their relationship grows stronger, say LAT advocates.

Living alone is “the most significant demographic shift since the Baby Boom,” says Sociologist Eric Klinenberg.According to the statistics published this month in his book, “Living Alone”:

• In 1950, only 22 percent of American adults were single. Today, more than 50 percent of American adults are single.
• People who live alone make up 28 percent of all U.S. households, which makes them more common than any other domestic unit, including the nuclear family.
• For the first time, the majority of all American adults are single.
• Americans will spend more of their adult life unmarried than married, and for much of this time they will live alone.
• The global numbers of people living alone is also skyrocketing, especially in urban areas of the Scandinavian countries, western Europe and Japan.

“These numbers are more than just a passing trend,” says Klinenberg. “It is transforming our communities.” It represents a whole new demographic shift. It is fascinating to watch how Klinenberg spins “living alone,” as if it was virtuous.

Cold Love

With increasing momentum the understanding of what love is and how love works is vanishing. “Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold,” Jesus said, as the end times draw near (Matthew 24:12). Klinenberg demonstrates how convenient a self-centered lifestyle is in a Postmodern world which rejects Absolute Truth. One leads to the other, Jesus said: first comes “lawlessness” (Postmodernism), then comes “cold love” (LAT).

The new “cold love” logic would be comical if it weren’t so tragic.

We already witnessed a mass exodus from marriage into the “living together” paradigm (“LT”, for short), so LAT is the same idea with the extra word thrown in: “alone.” You would think LAT is really a defeated marriage, but listening to the Diane Rhems show spins it as another modern alternative to traditional marriage. It offers “convenience”, which is the paramount virtue in the American Way – efficiency enables our fast-paced pursuit of happiness, and living together gets in the way.

Klinenberg claims that “living alone” is not problematic:

Though conventional wisdom tells us that living by oneself leads to loneliness and isolation, Klinenberg shows that most solo dwellers are deeply engaged in social and civic life. In fact, compared with their married counterparts, they are more likely to eat out and exercise, go to art and music classes, attend public events and lectures, and volunteer.

Klinenberg demonstrates how confused the Postmodern world is about authentic, love relationships. To “eat out and exercise, go to art and music classes, attend public events and lectures, and volunteer” is not what love is made of. These may be healthy activities, but still have nothing to do with love, and “without love, I am nothing,” the Bible says. It means without love we live in a very insecure, insignificant, fragile world, which really is the epitome of loneliness.

The “Mental Health” Benefits

Kleinberg further asserts that “living alone” could be a viewed as a position of strength:

There’s even evidence that people who live alone enjoy better mental health than unmarried people who live with others and have more environmentally sustainable lifestyles than families, since they favor urban apartments over large suburban homes.

What a creative way to dispense with the problem of loneliness – we simply pursue “environmentally sustainable lifestyles” (a.k.a., “environmentally-friendly”) in lieu of relationships. This takes “green” to a whole new level – even more important than marriage and families, according to Klinenberg!

Is it possible that living alone produces “better mental health”, as Klinenberg claims? We would expect “loneliness” accompanies “living alone”. Not so, Klinenberg says:

In a world of ubiquitous media and hyperconnectivity, this way of life can help us discover ourselves and appreciate the pleasure of good company.

In other words, we need a break from the pressures of Social Media like Twitter and Facebook, which includes breaking from other relationships, because “Life is about creating yourself,” Klinenberg told Diane Rhems.

Yes, we need a break from the diffuse chorus of voices bombarding us online, but the antidote is not loneliness. God says life is about creating love, not “creating yourself”, because “whoever seeks to gain his life will lose it.” Authentic, sacrificial, warm, human relationships are the key to emotional health.

See also:

• Diane Rhems show, 2/6/2012.
• “Going Solo”, by Eric Klinenberg.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

I added that red part myself to sort of highlight what may seem to be the more “rules” oriented part of this particular Bible passage. However, I don’t think James is talking about the importance of rule-following. The real question I think a passage like this provokes is pretty near the center of the text: “Don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says.” Now at first glance that may seem like “Oh great, he’s going to give us a shit-ton of rules.” Well, the logical question is “What does God’s word say to do?” That question can only be answered by looking a little farther down that block of Bible verses at the part where it mentions “…the perfect law that sets you free.”

Now, I’m no expert on law (obviously) but in my experience, laws and rules don’t actually free people. You might argue that they “free” people from the consequences of breaking a law. I think you’d be absolutely correct if we were talking about laws people make up to have a functioning society. But we’re talking about a perfect law that sets people free, a law that results in God’s blessing, a law that gives our “religion” value and worth as well as being a law that gets rid of all the filth and evil in our lives. What law could possibly result in doing that? Well, I think the answer is fairly close at hand. Check out what Romans 13:8-10 has to say about keeping the law:

Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law. For the commandments say, “You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not covet.”These—and other such commandments—are summed up in this one commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.

Do you understand that? The requirements of “God’s law” can only be fulfilled in loving your neighbor as yourself. In a little while you’ll read more about my experience with that new church. I’ll give you a preview of that by saying I felt a lot of resentment at the beginning of my time there. What I really resented was that they knew how to love others, which basically meant all my rule-following didn’t accomplish jack shit- it never taught me anything about loving people. “The law” doesn’t do anything to help you, is what I’m getting at. It doesn’t make you more like God to follow it to the letter.

We become “more like God” when we love our neighbor- which fulfills the entirety of the law! Funny how that works, because that’s how Jesus fulfilled the law! In Scripture, Jesus says “I didn’t come to abolish the law. I came to fulfill it.” And then he went and proved his great love for us, while we were still sinners, by dying for us! I would even go so far as to say that when you’re focused on rules and laws you’re actually focused on sinfulness instead of sinlessness.

To focus on rules and regulations requires a fleshly, functional state of mind. You’re focused on yourself instead of other people. You might even be so worried about your own potential to commit a sin that you become over-sensitive to the actions of other people and are ready to decry them at a moments notice if it offends your weakened conscience: “Woah, you came really close to breaking a [Bible Rule] just now! Be careful!” (This whole idea also somewhat demonstrates why it’s useless to argue with someone who keeps bringing up the idea that Christians “pick and choose what rules in the Bible they’re going to follow and that’s why I don’t believe it.” You know that argument. It’s dumb. There’s “only” one rule- love your neighbor. The next time someone goes on a tangent, tell them that.)

If you’re going to have a conscience that is really sensitive to the breaking of rules, be sensitive to the lack of love in this world and in your church. I don’t want to hear any of that “But in my church everyone loves everyone else!” crap, either. No they don’t. If you think your church is immune, my guess would be that the relationships between people in your church aren’t very deep. It’s very easy to be satisfied with the quality of a relationship if you’re only striving for a platonic kind of sappy friendliness. Be warned- those types of relationships do not result in abundant life. They result in abundant boredom.

As Perry Noble said, when the people of a particular church are focused on the ministry done to them, guess what happens? If you said “Shit happens,” you’re right (although Perry didn’t use those exact words). This is partly the fault of the clergy-laity model a lot of churches use. People don’t think of themselves in terms of love givers. They think of themselves in terms of love receivers. And if something isn’t going right, “Someone doesn’t love me the way they should, because if they did, I’d be happier! The problem lies with someone not doing what they are paid to do, which is love me!” But there’s a flip side to that coin: when a church is more concerned with the ministry done through them instead of to them- people get saved.

At the time it was all new to me, you might think I jumped right in and got involved with my new church and was eager to get my hands dirty with some real ministry opportunities. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I absolutely, positively resented it one hundred percent. I thought “How can this be?” I was raised in a Christian home in a Christian church with lots of unspoken rules. No one smoked, drank, or cussed openly. There were many rules for social interaction. We sang hymns to the tunes droned out by an organ. To say our meetings were not exciting would be something of an overstatement. Then I discovered this other church with Christians who seemed to be doing everything I was taught were huge no-no’s.

My first thought was “This is unfair!” Here I was for the past 20-odd years following all the rules and doing most everything expected of me. And I had never even hardly had a spiritual conversation with a non-Christian, much less led them to a relationship with Jesus. And this church full of upstart rule-breakers is going to do all this stuff I was taught will not lead to people being saved and people are getting saved?

In my former church, I didn’t have very many relationships. I would frequently play video games with a group of dudes. But apart from the occasional “I wish my son would listen to more Christian music,” I didn’t know much about anyone’s life outside of church. There was one person who would recount the number of times they sat with their Bible open in the lunchroom at their workplace. Maybe most of those people actually were as godly as they made out to be. Maybe they really did read the book of Job smack in the middle of the lunchroom at work. Maybe their consciences were so weak that they could not withstand the thought of any other Christian being seen within the confines of a saloon.

That’s really all I have to say. I used to be focused on rules and regulations. I used to delight in catching other people breaking those rules because it took the focus off of me for the moment. It’s been a long road but I’m slowly coming out of that mindset. I wish those people I grew up with at church who walked away from their faith could find the vibrancy of the Christian faith- maybe for the first time. I wish they could mature and come out of the hollow shells they’ve lived in for so long. I wish they could learn how to love people. I wish that I could continue to learn how to love people. Because sharing Jesus with people who need Him is worth stepping on a few toes.

Evangelism should not contain a demonstration to “the lost” how good “the found” are at following every commandment in the Bible. Scripture says that when people see our good deeds, they should praise their Father in heaven. I can certainly say that isn’t my main motivation when I’m trying to appear holy. With that attitude, my main motivation is the thought that people will notice how holy I appear and will be impressed.

Neither is it important to base your evangelistic strategies on the weak consciences (weak faith) of fellow Christians (in most cases). The most important thing in your witness is to bear in mind “We love each other because He loved us first (1 John 4:19).” I don’t mean we forgo accountability in our relationships with people who are Christians or not. It is vital to have a support base of fellow Christians to offer prayer, moral support and guidance in your attempts to befriend someone and present the gospel of Jesus Christ. What I’m talking about is the fear of perception versus reality.

It is wrong to base your friendships, evangelistic tactics, and strategies on some kind of thinking that goes along this line: “I cannot build a friendship with this unsaved person because I might be put in a situation where I would end up needing to explain my behavior to a fellow Christian.” Sometimes your behavior might require an explanation, a defense, a justification or whatever but I’m talking about merely being friends- doing things friends do- with your pagan buddies- can put you right in the hot seat with your church friends. And with that kind of threat looming in the background, a lot of evangelism isn’t even attempted. People choose to rely on evangelism which has little to no relational context whatsoever.

“Well, I can’t hang out with that person regularly,” you think. “But the next time I see them I’ll be sure to give them a lecture about how I can’t believe they do the things they do.” That’s nice. You go ahead and do that and see how successful you are. You go ahead thinking that everyone should have the same conservative, boring opinions and prudish outlook that you do. It works for you, right? Wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being conservative, unless it keeps you from reaching the lost. There’s nothing wrong with being liberal, unless it keeps you from reaching the lost. Just remember that you wouldn’t even be a Christian if someone hadn’t reached out to you, maybe even against their better judgement. Jesus broke a long list of rules when He reached out to us. It got Him killed. Our attempts will, at worst, probably result in a few cold shoulders. I wonder if we can manage such a huge burden for the sake of people who are headed to hell.

Any damn thing you can think of that is somehow related to evangelism, Jesus did first. He loved us first, encouraged us first, sacrificed for us first, was persecuted first, was hated first, reached out first, was bold first, tolerated awkwardness first, broke the religious rules first, crossed social barriers first, was compassionate first…

I could go on but the word “first” already looks like it isn’t a word anymore, so I’ll stop.

Back to that idea about the consciences of Christians- isn’t it absurd to hear that conscience thing out loud? Imagine telling some pagan, unsaved dude:

Sorry, but my church friends would be too scandalized if I was your friend. You don’t have nice enough clothes. You don’t have a nice enough job. You don’t have the right sense of humor. You’re socially awkward. You talk about inappropriate things. You think we’re close friends when we’re really not. You make me feel embarrassed. You have too dark of a past and I don’t know how to have empathy for the guilt that results from sins like yours. You don’t know how to talk about the pop-culture things I like to talk about. You always talk about yourself. I don’t know how to spend time with people so unlike myself. I imagine us getting involved in drugs, sex and violence. Since I’m afraid of you, my friends will wonder what I’m even doing with you. They’ll assume we’re up to no good. I have to be separated from the world. I have to be separated from you.

Do you do that? Fucking shame on you if you do, because it all comes back to how we’re afraid a friendship with someone could be perceived by people at church. Repent, asshole, if you do that. Be their friend. You’ll change as much as they will. You might learn compassion, empathy, patience, long-suffering, and sacrifice, for starters.

My wife took a kind of satirical look at it when she read that imaginary conversation above. In the deep voice of a radio announcer she said, “The Slogan of Anti-Evangelism Christians Everywhere- ‘Who is really changing whom’?” That sums up the fear I’m talking about pretty concisely. There’s this vague fear that attempts to evangelize in a relational context will result in the Christian being changed for the worse. Those vague fears really result in zero evangelism.

Can a fear of offending the weak consciences of other Christians become an impediment to the Great Commission? (Answer: Fucking Yes) It is hard enough at times to help someone understand the idea of God’s grace without that bullshit. That’s what that is. It is meaningless bullshit that fearful, conservative, churchy types make up to keep their environment sterilized and safe. I know, because I used to be one of those conservative churchy types. I probably still am, in some ways. For example, I don’t like “toilet humor.” Since my wife does, this causes me a slight discomfort. Everyone has a cross to bear. Mine happens to be made of toilets. That doesn’t sound right.

I grew up at church with a group of people who I thought were very close to me.  I cherish quite a few memories of times I shared with those people. I remember summers which in retrospect seem almost dream like. Spending time with those people was something I absolutely loved to do. We had a huge supply of inside jokes, funny stories and memories which we all shared and no one grew tired of re-telling. We rarely had new people around and if we did, they invariably fit the mold we had already set for keeping our company.

I remember thinking at times that everyone here right now will never change. We will always be just as we are right now. We will always be as close as we are right now. Obviously that was the wish of a teenager. Things change. People change and move on in life. When I fall into a mood of reminiscing, I wonder if more people changed for the worse than for the better. What I mean is “Did more of the people I grew up at church with mature in their faith or did more of those people fall away from their faith?” It’s a hard question, especially since merely putting a number on it doesn’t really tell anyone much of anything.

I’m not so concerned where people are in some social hierarchy or career ladder. I don’t really care whether people make a lot of money or a little; whether they moved on to higher education or not- that’s for the birds. It’s all here and gone anyway, although it has its place. What I care about is that a number of those people have completely walked away from any kind of relationship with God. Granted, I don’t know most of those people very well anymore. My assumption is based on the information I do have- things I hear, updates I get through social media, etc. I wonder if some of them ever even had a relationship with God in the first place, so serious is their seeming betrayal. But I console myself with the thought that, if they never had that relationship, they can’t really betray the having of the relationship. If they never knew how to love people in the first place, they can’t very well be bad at it now- they’ve always been bad at it. Just like me. On the other hand, it isn’t much of a consolation to think that people I thought were saved from hell might actually be headed there.

For those who did walk away from their faith, I can’t say I blame them for leaving church. Following high school, church no longer held the excitement it did during those younger years. There wasn’t anything to keep me there. Although my roots were nearly a generation deep, they were weak for lack of nourishment through my own inability and unwillingness to serve others (which I’ll explain below). I consider that the only person I cared about in terms of “churchiness” was myself. Why would they be any different?

A few years ago, I met up with one of my compatriots from the old days. I was telling this person how great this new church I found was. I was telling him how different the emphasis was than what we grew up with. I went on at length about the joy and relationships I had found. He took it all in stride, with a sideways glance at my neighbor’s driveway and said these unforgettable words: “You and I agree- the most important thing is that you don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”

What the fucking what?

I was totally flabbergasted! The most important thing about what is that you don’t take the Lord’s name in vain? Was he telling me that’s the real message of the Bible? The reason God became flesh? The reason we go to church? The purpose of life? What is so damn important about not taking the Lord’s name in vain that he’s calling it “the most important”?

I wanted to scream. Was that the legacy I had in his mind? More than twenty years of friendship with this person and he distilled my understanding of the Christian faith down to that very idiotic sound bite. I would never in a million years agree that not taking the Lord’s name in vain is the “most important” part of anything.

Funny enough, having a view of Christianity like that is all too common: “As long as I avoid [x] behavior, I can still call myself a true Christian.” It doesn’t even matter what that behavior is because you can make that your highest priority and exclude everything else from your line of sight. It isn’t so much being unable to see the forest for the trees as it is picking out one particular tree in the forest and staring at only that tree. I don’t know which is worse, focusing on all the rules contained in the Bible or focusing on one rule. Both methods rob the believer of the joy which is meant to be inherent in the race Paul tells us to press on and win. Maybe the people who do those things don’t realize they do them. If they do, maybe they don’t know how confused it makes everyone. If they realize that as well, maybe they’re just retarded.

It seems like some people never really realize that there isn’t any joy to be had in rules alone. Joy comes when you realize your own inability to measure up to the One who created those rules, say “I’m too fucked up to do this on my own” and put your trust in Him (not the rules). The joy comes as a concomitant of trying to love other people the way God loved you.

The weird thing is that that guy and I attended the exact same church- the same exact youth group- with the same exact leaders- at the same exact summer camp- with the same exact friends- for years- because we were one month apart in age. And at the age we were the night when he made this offhanded comment to me, I was coming out of a very dark time of wrestling with thoughts that, though I believed it to be true, I could not reconcile the idea of living my faith as “something possible to do.” I never experienced the abundant life Jesus talks about in John 10:10 where he says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, andhave it abundantly.”

Abundant life? We sang songs- old, boring songs- every single week. Abundant life? Most of our time was spent inside the building which, I might add, gobbled up most of our money with its upkeep. Abundant life? I didn’t understand the purpose of the sermons. They didn’t seem to have much to do with anything specific to my life, or the lives of my friends at work or school. That message you’re preaching doesn’t really offer anything to me other than some high-sounding academic ideas and how imperfect I am compared to Jesus. Abundant life? No one but me appeared to struggle with anything. What was I doing wrong? I started to think that I must be the problem. If all those things were meant to be demonstrative of the life we are meant to experience within the Body of Christ (the church) I thought, “I’m not good enough for this.”

In any case, those are things that troubled me. The friend I mentioned up there? Yeah, he apparently never got around to asking any of those questions because he had it all figured out once he realized that the most important thing in the Christian faith was following the third commandment. After hearing that, I didn’t wonder so much about his walking away from a relationship with God. In fact, it made sense. His relationship with God got a hell of a lot easier: all he had to do was make sure he never took the Lord’s name in vain. He could rob a bank, live with his girlfriend, smoke weed, go to strip joints and all this damaging shit (I don’t know if he actually did any of that) but as long as he never took the Lord’s name in vain, his relationship with God was great.

I’ve talked about how, when I first started coming around to Xenos (the name of my current church), I was extremely put-off by the bad habits a lot of people seemed to have. A good number of my new friends were Christians, yet they smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and swore like sailors. They didn’t sing songs or have a church building. Bars weren’t forbidden. There were no arguments using the word “technically.”

Since my entire “religious” upbringing to that point involved such things, I had absolutely no idea how to interact with these new people because all of my external reference points were gone. I had formerly looked at conversations of a spiritual nature as an opportunity to argue people into my way of thinking. I absolutely saw interaction of that kind as a debate- me (or my ideas) versus them (or their ideas). I had no patience for incorrect theology, even on minor points. I had no stomach for differing views. I had no discerning ability to tell whether the person was making their argument up on the fly or whether they were presenting ideas which deeply convicted them. Nor did I care because deep down, I wanted to be right and I wanted them to know how right I was. Somehow I never learned- and maybe- just maybe I was never taught- that people matter more than my argument. I seem to recall something in the Bible mentioning love and how, if you don’t have it…something about a gong. Yadda yadda, love, schmove. Let’s debate! I’m a master! Debater!

People at the meetings in my new church appeared to be genuinely enjoying themselves. That in itself took me completely by surprise. I hadn’t really enjoyed being at church since I had left the vigor of youth group, where in my old church we had played games and had fun. Candidly speaking, what fun is there in a traditional church? Everything is scheduled, programmed and looked after with an almost anal retentive fear of newness. “Oh, we can’t try that! What would people say? How many people would leave?”

Meetings were really exciting at that new church. Conversations after the meetings were deeply spiritual without being trite or under the category of useless speculations. And right off the bat, people were interested in my life. In spite of all these no-no’s this church group was experiencing conversion growth the likes of which I had never seen.  And what’s more is these new Christians were being mentored in their new faith and becoming baptized.

In the next part of this blog I’ll examine the role I think the rules do play. I hope to make it clear that I don’t think ignoring God’s law saves people but neither do I think strictly enforcing/ observing it does any good either.

Preface: I originally had posted this on Facebook, using the little “notes” feature. I tagged a whole bunch of people, both friends from Xenos as well as friends from my old church. I thought this would provoke some interesting conversation about different values systems, namely a grace-oriented life versus a law or rules-oriented one. Boy was I wrong. For some reason people wanted to talk about cussing, which can apparently be broken down into categories of varying severity depending on how conservative you are. The more severe the “cuss,” the more firm of a rebuke you’re awarded. I received several rebukes. This post contains the original clobberings of the Third Commandment which were also in the Facebook post. I didn’t edit it to make it more Ten Commandment- friendly, although I did edit a sentence or two where I thought I could be more clear. Thanks for reading and I hope this makes you think about where you came from and where you’re going.

-Jeremiah

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I used to be a lot different from the way I am now.

When I was younger, say, high school age, I was the least fun person to be around I knew.  I had this fascination with being an outcast.  The problem was that I wasn’t.  I had to create a character, make him an outcast and then play the character.  That way, I could pretend that I was this tragic character and everyone else looked down on me.  “I’m so misunderstood and deep,” I’d think.  “No one sees me for the real me.”  Fortunately, it wasn’t fulfilling in the least.  After a few months of doing that, you become an actual outcast because you’re emulating this morose, dark, sapped-of-joy type of person.  Then you’re rather alone and think “What did I do wrong?  No one came up and wanted to know the REAL ME.”  Maybe a lot of teenagers do that, or something like that, at some point.  They grow out of it hopefully.  Some don’t.  Yikes for them.

During that time I was an avid churchgoer (still am).  I attended almost every church event.  I was in the youth choir.  I was a camper every summer at church camp.  I knew a million praise choruses which tell God how great He is. I could recite every possible name He has from the Bible (as well as some made up ones for rhyming church songs).  For fun I would memorize violent Bible verses that told how God would eventually destroy people. I was well-educated in church protocols, manners, and ways of doing things.

On the other hand, I had no real concept of a lot of Christian ideas.  I didn’t understand gratitude.  I certainly had no real reason to intentionally seek a grateful state of mind, where I could take a look at the things I had and consciously think “I am grateful for this.”  I had no real concept of love, either.  I went through a phase where I refused to tell my own mother “I love you.”  Understandably, she was hurt by that.  My reasoning was that I didn’t even know what love was or wasn’t.  How could I say “I have this” when I wasn’t even sure what this was?  My understanding of love, such as it was, was more along the lines of a fuzzy feeling of tolerance than anything else.  When I felt it, or thought I felt it, it was the stuff of warm greeting cards and plush animals.  If you had asked me to define love, I really don’t know what I would have said.  I probably would have quoted some stupid Bible verse.

I didn’t know how to have relationships outside of the platonic, friendly kind.  My idea of a “best friend” could probably be described as “The person I know who annoys me the least of all people I know and also they entertain me.” I could talk about and entertain serious ideas without clowning around but I always felt the need to make grandiose attempts at sounding profound.  I wanted people to know how deep of a thinker I was and that I never entertained any idea or course of action without first turning up my nose at it.  Then I’d try to sneak around doing that thing I pretended I thought was stupid without anyone noticing, because I’d spent a whole lot of effort convincing people I thought it was stupid. I tended to think that hypocrisy was only real if someone other than myself was aware of it.  Maybe it’s similar to that saying that “it’s only a crime if you get caught.”

I was indignant at just about everything.  Nothing was good enough for my endorsement.  Everything was stupid.  “Other people might believe that,” I thought, “But not me.  My eyes are open to its tricks.  I’m too smart to be suckered into such a retarded thing.”  So I would screen every possible thing and the baby would get thrown out with the bath water.  High school relationships? Dumb.  What a waste of time.  It isn’t like I’m going to marry that person. Telling your mother you love her? Meaningless, if you can’t define the term.  Acts of Christian service? Pointless.  Going to visit people in the hospital is creepy and weird.  They don’t need me to wish them well.

I became a cynic.

I remember lecturing my brother about the evils of non-christian music when we were in high school.  He played a Metallica album on my cd player at one point.  I was absolutely scandalized.  I literally had a vision of my speakers clogging up with physical gunk.  I hastily chastened him and picked his cd out of my player, holding it with two fingers, as if it was going to dirty my hand.  I replaced it with a Christian music album of some kind, hoping it would clean out the gunk.  I frequently would have fantasies about being a Christian rock singer.  “I’d be so relevant” my imagination went, “People would hear my great voice and believe in Jesus.” And yet I was terrified of the unclean masses and was afraid that their non-christian-ness would somehow rub off on me and ruin my glorious churchy image.

I loved to argue vague points the Bible is pretty quiet about, like, Is it ok for a Christian to go to a bar?  Is it more biblical to be a “millennial” or a “post-millennial?”  Should you have Calvinist views or Armenian views?  Does “speaking in tongues” still apply today?  Can a demon physically possess a Christian?  And really important (read: not important at all) stuff like that. Yet I can’t remember telling one single person about Jesus who did not already belong to my cult of church.

One of my favorite extracurricular things to do at church camp was to get in long fireside discussions with other people about “End Times.”  Speculating about weird, pointless stuff can be a favored pasttime among Christians.  ”End Times” is one of those weird things that no one really talks about.  Then, all of a sudden, maybe you’re around people who know less than you and hey, here’s an opportunity to impress a group…with my knowledge of eschatology.  Some Christians never really say a single real word about church, religion, or anything spiritual.  Then suddenly, they hear someone talking about End Times prophecy crap and they get this fucking nostalgic gleam in their eye and want to tell you how awesome it is that we won’t have to go through the tribulation. I was one of those.

I just look back at myself and I’m all like “LOL.”

I grew up being taught Bible stories from the time I was old enough to understand basic storytelling methods (a flannelgraph). I grew up memorizing songs from a popular Christian cartoon character at the time named, “Psalty, the singing songbook.”  Psalty was an anthropomorphic hymnal which espoused views of moderation in all things (I specifically remember a song warning against overeating).  I’ve told my wife about Psalty.  She thought he was fucking weird.  That’s what she said- “That’s so fucking weird!” And it is, isn’t it?  Maybe you don’t cuss.  That’s fine.  I’m just saying what my wife said.

What’s weird is the culture that Christians tend to build around themselves as a defensive act.  It can get pretty crazy.  We see real extremes in the media, that one church that pickets funerals and has all those signs about how gay people are going to hell are a case in point.  Westboro Baptist is something of a caricature, I think.  Most churches aren’t like that.  But my point is a lot of churches still do really weird stuff.  Stuff that makes no sense to any outsider- someone who isn’t from that culture of church.  Someone might argue that they don’t understand it because they don’t have the Holy Spirit to help them understand.  I’m not talking about legitimate forms of spiritual expression, like communion or baptism.  I’m talking about the weird shit Christians make up to feel safe and separated. We tend to forget that God never said to do this; we totally made this up.

I forgot, or maybe I never really understood that anything which a Christian or the church does in its functionality should have its basis rooted in evangelism.  Anything I do in my personal life should be the result of obedience to the great commission.  Anything the Church as a whole does should be done with that end result in mind- arranging an introduction between the lost and Jesus. I used to think that if the Sunday morning service at my church couldn’t save someone, what hope was there for me if I tried to reach out?  I wanted to abdicate myself of responsibility- after all, the pastor(s) are paid.

I used to think the following things were important:

• Arguing or debating someone else into my point of view
• Not really listening or caring what their view was
• Myself and my views
• Appearing to be godly
• Singing songs (a shitload of songs- we had songs about songs)
• Being really polite (but scorning polite-ness in secret)
• Christian pop-culture (Christian books, t-shirts, music, whatever- always use the Christian version of something if there’s an option)
• Not cussing or using “bad language” (Instead of “Fuck” say “Friggin,” instead of “Shit” say some other dumbass word. The irony is that it means the same damn thing.  I was only kidding myself when I did that substitution thing.)
• Conservative views on things (Politically, socially, you name it. Jesus is a Republican, after all.)
• Gospel tracts (Has anyone ever successfully related to someone with a Gospel tract? They’re one of the the least relational forms of “evangelism” I know.)
• Condemning hypocrisy (while being the biggest goddamn hypocrite I knew)
• Hanging out almost exclusively with other Christians- even to the point of actively avoiding people who weren’t.

1. I didn’t know how to relate to someone who didn’t grow up in my little church bubble. I’d see them coming and fucking skedaddle out of the way. “Oh dang,” Conservative me would think, “Here comes Lost Larry. He’s rude, unrefined, uneducated, and rough-around-the-edges.  He doesn’t understand my churchy words like ‘fellowship.’ I don’t know how to relate to him.  He’s friggin weird.”

• Excusing a particular “bad behavior” by saying I struggled with it.

1. Uncompassionate dickhead? Yes, but I struggle with it.  Oh, well, that’s ok.  As long as you’re struggling!  You’re a judgmental bastard?  Well, a bit.  But it’s something I struggle with.  Ah, good.  Struggling is good.  It means you’re fighting against it!  Hardly.  It really meant I knew I was an asshole and didn’t know how to change. I could confess to almost anything as long as I admitted I struggled with it.  It left me feeling guilty, though.  That’s probably because it wasn’t real repentance.  It was the appearance of repentance.

Don’t get me wrong- if someone is actually, really, sincerely struggling with something- good.  Great, even.  What I think is really wrong is when someone claims they’re struggling when they really aren’t.  The best way to find out what that particular person is actually doing is to ask them “Do you care that you do this?” That’s a pretty disarming question and whatever answer they give will demand follow- up.  If they do care, ask to help them see it through.  Be willing to share the burden.  If they don’t care, then tell them they’re disingenuous and hypocritical.

I’m a person who does a lot of self examination.  That can be either a bad or a good thing, depending on how you do it and the attitude you take towards it. If you tend to do that self examination really harshly and end up thinking about how big of a piece of shit you are, well, that’s not good.  I’d suggest you stop taking looks at yourself.  However, if you can take a more analytic stance- if you can look at your own experiences and follow the trends to see how you’ve arrived where you are- what has hindered you and what has benefited you, that can be good.  It is especially good if you can look at people who helped you or loved you at a certain time and can now go express gratitude towards them.

Part of these changes could be a natural process of maturity and growing in my faith.  If you became a Christian at the age of 7, hopefully you’ve experienced some growth in that area by the time you’re 32.  Hopefully, after 20 years you’re not still saying stuff like “I struggle with having compassion.”  That actually brings up an interesting side issue- if you sincerely don’t have compassion for people, why the hell would you even care if they heard about Jesus?  Just a thought.  Anyway.

One thing has not changed.  I still believe that Jesus is the way- the only way.  He says that Himself in John 14:6.  “I am the way the truth and the life.  No man comes to the Father but through me.”  What’s changed is the way I understand it.

I used to understand it as my own wisdom- my brains brought me to this point.  My cultured upbringing has resulted in the wonderful specimen which you are now privileged to have arguing with you!

Now I understand in a way that it’s put in Mark 6:

When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and He felt compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and He began to teach them many things.

Jesus has gone back out to sea, so to speak, but He’s left me (and many others) on shore to “teach them many things.”

I’m no Unitarian. I’m certainly not a moral relativist. I’m a Christian- a follower of Christ. Instead of wanting to force-feed people my beliefs, as if they’re a baby and I’m the parent holding the spoon, I want to convince them they need the bread of life and that it is their choice whether or not to eat. Instead of a selfish desire to keep people from the “evils of the drink,” I want to show people how to find a living water, which will never leave them thirsty.

Instead of judging people from afar and coming to bizarre conclusions without ever knowing them, I want to be their friend.  I want that relationship to be based on love and trust so that when the time comes for me to tell them the most offensive thing they’ve ever heard, they’ll trust me that it’s true.

Your conservative political shit won’t save you from anything.

Your confusing values systems won’t save you from anything.  Making people feel like shit when they already do is bizarre.  We aren’t here to judge but to help people pass out of judgment into life.  It’s almost funny to think “I can have an influence in this person avoiding the judgment of God but I’ll be goddamned if they avoid my judgement.” Your ability to ignore and minimize the destruction of relationships isn’t helping anyone else be saved.

The area I’m probably the most different is in the way I understand love.  Love isn’t about tolerance- except of your own weakness and the weaknesses of others.  If you’re really trying to love people, you don’t have to worry about it in terms of success or failure.  God wants us to try to love people because, when we love people, we’re demonstrating that we love Him.

I never thought that “…Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.” (1 Cor 8:1)

The lessons started as we tried to decide whether to go. I wanted to go but Simon wasn’t sleeping well so I couldn’t bring myself to buy a ticket. Then he started doing better but Neil and I were acting like we had to figure out every day of traveling with a baby before we could make a decision. We had a lengthy, heated discussion about whether to bring the car seat, and vacillated over a number of other details which really had no bearing on whether we should go. The whole process confirmed how uptight and controlling we are.

All my friends said just go. We did feel like we were setting a precedent: would we travel with Simon (until it gets too expensive) or not? I kept wondering if it would be worth it and finally concluded that even if it didn’t go well, I would regret not going more. Also, people fly with their kids all the time and it’s no big deal. I was acting like we were going to climb Mt. Everest with him in tow.

Once we bought tickets, I started worrying about the time change, whether Simon would sleep on the plane, or in a different crib (which he does often anyway), our layover, and on and on. More car seat debates ensued. I talked to a few people who had travelled with their babies (and Diana asked her friend for me). Neil sent me what is probably the longest single blog post in the history of blogging about flying with children. It literally took me a month to read, probably because I didn’t feel like devoting too much to it. I felt like I was doing a research project.

Weeks in advance I started having bad dreams about flying, getting through security, and etc. I started packing a week before the trip, reviewing my checklists over and over. At this point I switched from research paper mode to feeling like I was studying for a test. What would I forget? Hopefully nothing I couldn’t buy or do without. Whenever we’re going somewhere for a few hours I pack whatever I think we’ll need, but I always think, at least I’ve got the boy and the boobs. That’s all you really need.

So did we pass the test? We missed a few points by forgetting to declare the breastmilk at security and forgetting to put a seal inside the bottle (doh!) but Simon made up for it in extra credit by not spitting up the whole way to California! So how many outfits does it take to get to California? Apparently only one. And we got an free (extra) seat for him on every flight! After all, no one wants to sit by a crying baby. Except he barely cried at all!

So our plane trip was smooth and we headed to La Jolla as soon as we could after arriving at the hotel. Simon didn’t sleep well the first night, probably because he was overtired. However, I learned another valuable lesson. I’ve tried to avoid nursing to sleep and Simon never sleeps with us, but I broke the rules that night so Neil, other hotel guests and I could get some sleep. He slept about half the night in the hotel crib in the bathroom and the rest in the giant king bed, which was kind of cute since he’s so small. The next night he slept through the night in the bathroom and I learned that it’s okay to break the rules sometimes. One night of extra feeds and bed sharing didn’t undo the last five months of “training.”

We also usually stick to a pretty regular routine of eat-wake-sleep cycles, which had to be thrown aside in order for us to do any sightseeing (or eating for that matter). I established this routine when he wasn’t sleeping well and it has helped a ton, but I learned that he is more flexible than I realized, and this gives me the freedom to be flexible too. We were able to go to the USS Midway Museum, a retired naval aircraft carrier; we walked the beach and town at Coronado and saw the sunset; had dinner with Neil’s cousin who was in town; I took a walking tour of the historic Gaslamp Quarter; and ate some good Mexican food, In ‘N’ Out Burger, and the worst Thai known to man.

The flights back also went well, though he did have a rough first night home. The first day back he didn’t slip right back into his routine but day two he pretty much got back on track. In case you’re wondering, it took four outfits to get back.

The Christian life really should be called “Risk-n-Rest”. It may sound odd, but it was evident at our FST retreat.

Isn’t it amazing how God’s “rest” seems like “risk” to us, but our “rest” is what God calls “death”? This is a long-running argument between God and us, and it’s a big deal. Read Hebrews 3 & 4 where God confronts older believers who think God’s “rest” is our “risk”. I think I can see God’s point, and it’s got some radical implications.

God’s spiritual “rest” was evident at a retreat this weekend when workers from every age group took turns presenting their labors as “God’s fellow-workers”, as God calls it. It was our 2012 Fiscal Support Team (FST) retreat covering budgets and progress reports, but this was no gathering of bureaucrats and accountants. It was a succession of hard-pressed, overworked volunteers, but you would never guess it. They were joyful and fruitful, with indomitable enthusiasm, but not because all were winning—many were facing setbacks. Those listening were also hard-pressed, overworked volunteers, but they listened enthusiastically. It was a snapshot of God’s Rest.

Four hours in, not bored yet!

Stranger still was the preponderance of college and high school students in the audience (in about equal numbers) sitting through six hours of logistics, finances and reports, with only two breaks. Yet the natives were not restless, even though the stuffy room was crammed with 120 workers and leaders.

There lies the big mystery—what motivated these people? Their incentive defies natural causes. Nobody advanced careers or earned money, yet the crowded room was filled with cheers and applause all night long. Even when it was finished at 11 pm, they still milled around for hours afterwards, chatting. I intended to write up a summary of the news we heard on the retreat, but I felt compelled to capture the underlying spirit at the retreat because this picture is worth framing. What follows are some practical observations about God’s Rest, which might help us pursue the “Risk-n-Rest” way of life.

1) God’s Rest is fruitful.

“Be diligent to enter God’s Rest,” Hebrews 4 says, which is a mysterious direction to go because “diligence” and “rest” are antithetical.  We were privileged to see the mystery of “God’s Rest” unveiled, because too many Christians fail to reach it, or so it seems from reading Hebrews. Really the FST retreat was just a small part of “God’s Rest” working in a dozen ministries throughout the year.

“God’s Rest” explains why people don’t understand Xenos ministries. The big confusion surrounding Xenos concerns too many volunteers investing too much time, emotions and resources in too many ministries, with too many people doing double-duty. Yet where’s the exhaustion? All these tremendous ministries seem more like parties than “ministries” (in the traditional, institutional sense), yet across the board, lives are getting saved and reoriented towards the Lord.

2) God’s Rest is a breeze.

Even though “God’s Rest” includes significant strife, it is a breeze because, “the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His.” (Hebrews 4:10) God’s Rest is defined by our reactions, our spiritual health, our love for God, and not by our pressures or peace. Worry is an unhealthy, lame state, unfitting for the sons and daughters of God, Jesus said: “Which one of you can add a single day to your life by worrying?”

Hebrews tells us the Israelites were dominated by their fears when God led them from slavery to the “The Promised Land”, which is odd because these slaves were marching towards a new life as free people. Rather than embracing freedom, those Israelites opted to “rest” in the same sense Americans try to build comfortable lives. They simply loitered in the Wilderness for 40 years, the same way too many Christians are simply treading water, fussing and fretting about their own well-being. The Israelites were actually avoiding a war of conquest by cowering in the Wilderness. They were risk-aversive, but God said their Wilderness “rest” was “death” through stagnation, because “their bodies were scattered across the Wilderness,” Hebrews says. They died safely and accomplished nothing—classic Americana.

3) God’s Rest is “young-at-heart”.

While the older generation of Israelites were fearful (no surprises there), the younger generation found it was a stroll in the park when they invaded and conquered Canaan under Joshua’s leadership. Walking around Jericho for seven days and blowing a few trumpets does not qualify as a high-risk military venture. They definitely faced troubles, and sometimes significant ones, like the conquest of Ai where the Israelites were soundly defeated by an inferior force. Yet they quickly rebounded and found their spiritual footing again—quite unlike their parents wandering in the desert, but very typical of the “young at heart”.

God’s Rest seems particularly well-suited for younger minds, or at least spiritually-young minds, because the warnings in Hebrews 3 & 4 is addressed to older believers who should know better: “By now you should be teachers, but you’re still stuck on elementary things,” Hebrews says. “Elementary” no doubt means basic trust issues with God. We see older believers exclaiming again and again how they “finally” realized the importance of truly trusting God. Older Christians make things so complicated, even basic trust in Jesus, when it should be simple enough for a child to embrace, Jesus said. “Complicated” simply means “deceived” when it comes to “Old Christian Disease,” where God’s Rest is impossible.

Young and old, meek and bold, all can enter God's rest.

Obsession with “Spiritual Disciplines” often takes root in “Old Christian Disease,” where believers exert tremendous effort to deepen their faith in Jesus. This is not entering God’s Rest, even though it may be advertised that way. When they still haven’t moved into the “Promised Land” and a fruitful, sacrificial lifestyle, it’s evident “Spiritual Discipline” is only a code word for “Spiritual Selfishness.”

4) God’s Rest is activistic.

God’s Rest is activistic, even militant, if we are to believe what Hebrews says about it:

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

Such are the weapons of warfare for those entering God’s Rest.

5) God’s Rest is a community’s hope and joy.

There seems to be a group phenomena associated with God’s Rest. The Israelites who refused to enter the Promised Land did so as a group, and the ones who entered it did so as a group. The audience for Hebrews are also languishing as a group, even though “you (plural) should be teachers by now.” Spirituality is a contagious and communal affair, so even though I may be able to enter God’s Rest as an individual (and individuals can), still I’m at personal, spiritual risk when the group refuses to enter His Rest. Conversely, we are fortunate to belong to a group where God’s Rest is evident, because our own walk gets fortified by the others.

This “contagious spirit” is what creates that cavalier, party-like atmosphere even in the midst of tremendous stress. Both joy and hope are deeply embedded in God’s Rest, and such joy that it’s contagious. The book of Hebrews is a dissertation on joy and the hope that springs out of victorious joy, if they are only willing to enter God’s Rest. When joy and hope are pulling a group forward, their uptight issues tend to fade away.

7) God’s Rest is gratitude.

The great blessings we enjoy come with a great stewardship. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude! When we see a rich harvest of joy, “gratitude” means we inject real hope into the surrounding darkness and fight the stagnation of spiritual death. “Ingratitude” means we might appreciate our fellowship together, then turn back to languish in our personal “rest”—the self-satisfied, self-indulgent, self-protective gravity in Christianity today, which stinks of death. “Ingratitude” opens up a whole “Wilderness of Sin”.¹

High school guys came to the FST, and had a blast

7) God’s Rest is a stewardship.

It was not the greatness of any one person on display at that FST retreat. It was our good fortune as a group on display, because how we got there is not a pretty picture: We wasted enough time already wandering in the Wilderness, fighting doubt, distress and spiritual dysentery (think about it), and almost anything is better than that mess—even God’s Rest! We were dragged into God’s Rest by our own failures.

Today we are witnessing the victorious fruit of God’s Rest in our ministries, and it should not be forgotten or overlooked. Observe:

He again fixes a certain day, “Today,” saying through David after so long a time just as has been said before, “TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE, DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS.” Hebrews 4:7

 

See it here: http://www.ted.com/talks/alain_de_botton_atheism_2_0.html

I had to watch. I was dumbfounded. It was spellbinding. Here is an atheist acknowledging that atheism leaves a lot to be desired in the areas of meaning, love, and morality, and that the best place to get some of these things is in religion.

But the most fascinating thing was the logic of the argument;

• Given that there is no God and religions are false,
• And atheism is a poor foundation for meaning, morality, etc.—that which makes us “human”
• Let’s import these things from religion!

In philosophy the first premise is called “begging the question.” It’s assuming the truth of a position with no evidence, sweeping away the very need to discuss the matter because “it’s so obvious.” From an epistemological perspective, it’s equally valid to say “since God exists…(duh),” or “since all unicorns are purple,” or virtually anything. That is to say, not valid at all.

Furthermore, it appears to be self-defeating to import meaning and morality from something that is not valid. If there is no God and no religious truth, then how can any moral truths be “stolen” from religion, as Alain suggests? It is equally valid to say:

• Given that there is no God and religions are false,
• There can be no meaning in life, no moral truths, etc.
• Let’s shed ourselves of the illusion of meaning and morality!

This is the position at which many atheists have arrived. It is the most epistemologically honest. Of course it was used by the Marquis de Sade, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Nazis to justify their crimes against humanity, but nevertheless it is honest. I think that Alain de Botton is trading on someone else’s capital…borrowing from one worldview to support “virtue” in another worldview, but in a manner that is entirely ad hoc!

Then I realized that Alain de Botton is living in post-modernity, in which positions advanced need not be rational or valid. It is true that there is nothing wrong with stealing good ideas from religion, for the atheist. Since nothing is really “wrong” they may as well steal. Of course, what is “right and wrong” are useful fictions, and history has shown that the final arbiter will be power (not truth). I don’t think Alain de Botton is powerful enough, so when the next iteration of Nazis come to execute the intelligentsia, he’ll have no good defense for why they shouldn’t take his head.

The Elephant Room: Round 2. From left, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Pastor Jack Graham, Pastor Mark Driscoll, Pastor James MacDonald, Pastor Wayne Cordeiro, Pastor Steven Furtick, and Pastor Crawford Lorrits

Fortuitously, Ann Blackwell resolved her vague problem later, but only after tasting the excitement of real Body Life, or Christian fellowship—a “Body” composed of “Cell Groups”. Once Ann stepped out of her tribal, Baptist world, she could never go back. (“Baptist” and “tribal” are not always synonymous, of course!)

Ann benefitted unexpectedly from the plight of dirty, hairy Jesus Freaks, who were Pagan Christians, strays and drifters unwelcome in the Institutional Church, or aversive to dressing up to join one. Jesus Freaks staged a revolt against the Institutional Church model by forming home Bible studies and other low-cost, sloppy, informal fellowships like The Fish House, our progenitor at OSU.

Bleeding Elephant Room

All this concerns the alarming course of Christianity raised in the Elephant Room.  A mass Exodus is underway, a revolt against the Institutional Church, but solutions in the Elephant Room were scant compared to the revolt 40 years ago. They told us 3,500 Americans are quitting their church (on average) every day. Worse yet, the downward spiral is accelerating rapidly. Since 2010, church closures jumped from 4,000 to 6,000 in 2011. That’s a whopping, 33.3333% rise in collapsing churches in one year! Since the number of available churches is shrinking, a higher percentage is collapsing today.

Will the casualties keep accelerating? The Elephant Room conference gave us helpful stats, but explanations were few and solutions mostly absent, beyond the generic need for “more sanctification!” As a poignant metaphor, this was the Bleeding Elephant Room. Lots of casualties are underway, with more pending. A better term is Elephantine Institutional Drift. This occurs when Institutional Drift keeps growing among Institutional Churches. Elephantine Institutional Drift produce Mega-Churches, which produce collapsing churches.

Institutional Drift turns organic Body Life into an Institutional Church. Cold, institutional facsimiles of warm, human relationships produce “The Really Big Show”, with grand facilities and smart programs. Money is the chief currency of Institutional Drift, rather than love, the currency of Body Life.

The elephants of Institutional Drift were In the Elephant Room. They are the products of Elephantine Institutional Drift, a phenomena where large populations of Christians are sucked in by the allure of “The Really Big Show”, trading their mundane Institutional Church for a bigger, more exciting one. The Mega-Churches represented were not less than 10,000-strong, growing largely by Christian transfers. To sustain mobs of drifting, disgruntled Christians, superstar personalities dressed in riot gear are needed at the helm—like Mark Driscoll.

You're making Mark angry. You wouldn't like it when he's angry.

Mark will kick your butt so you’ll remember it. He openly boasts that his church, Mars Hill, empties the pews of lame, outdated churches, and he says it should be this way—an American Capitalist, “survival of the fittest” ethic. Moving Christians from one location to another means “reinventing Church”, which is the buzzword today. “Reinventing” is not the same as “growing”, however.

Like Ann Blackwell, lots of people are saying, “Something is wrong with my church, but I don’t know what.” The problems are far greater than anything the Bleeding Elephant Room discussed, however. According to Barna Research and Fuller Seminary, the number is 7000, not 6000 churches shutting down every year. Barna says about 7000 “church members” are joining the ranks of secular society every day, about twice what the Bleeding Elephant Room disclosed. (For aggregated church attendance statistics, click here, and for more information, see links at the end of this article.)

Don’t think these are evil men, because they’re actually good men with good intentions and good ministries. They believe their ministries provide safe harbor for drifting Christians, which is probably true, and perhaps necessary. Some Mega-Churches are bringing pagans to Christ, unlike the smaller Institutional Churches they absorbed, but the conversions are still miniscule, since Christianity continues to shrink at alarming rates.

See why I was so sad? But then I was glad…

Pagan Christian Elephant Room

Ann was not a counter-culture Jesus Freak when she came to Xenos. She belonged to the upper crust in Upper Arlington, married to a wealthy, famous Business School professor. Despite the Jesus Freaks and riff-raff, what attracted genteel Ann was the “Counter Christian-Culture Values” which are not Christian-transfer-friendly, but they are outreach-friendly. Let me explain.

Later that night I attended a truly scandalous but informal Elephant Room, and it was a blast. Some zealous, Pagan Christians (secularized, new converts) dropped in my place to tell me about their Pagan outreach (evangelism) coming from all directions (Central Teaching/Home Churches). We talked about conversions and near-conversions, females (usual fare for single guys), transformed lives, ministry houses, condoms, AIDS, nude models in Art classes, fights, resolutions, new Bible teachers, heroic teachers, bad teachers, Bible passages, Bible commentaries, silly Singing Worship Service, Bible study software, pirating software, the “Missionary Perspectives” course—and we squeezed in a couple episodes of The Office.

My conversation with college-age Pagan Christians was far deeper and more controversial than the Elephant Room's supposed "controversial" conversation about the nature of the Trinity, between Jakes and Driscoll.

Some of these topics would scandalize the Bleeding Elephant Room (ironic, since “Elephant-in-the-room” means raising scandalous topics), especially the casual cusswords. Why? Because the Institutional Church is drowning in traditions and ethics inherited by Christian culture, centuries-old. These are not biblical issues. Layer upon layer of Institutional Church Values run deep, so those in the Bleeding Elephant Room stand very little chance of thinking outside the Institutional Church box.

Oil and Water

It’s oil and water: either outreach to the Pagan culture, or outreach to the Christian culture. Ann Blackwell dropped her Christian Cultural Values to join the Pagan Christian group at Xenos. It was Culture Shock, she said.

Conversely, most of these Pagan Christians would still be Pagans if Ann’s Baptist church was their only hope. Someone has to face Culture Shock—either Christians empowered by the love of Christ, or Pagans empowered by the god of this world.

As immoral as these Pagan Christians are by Institutional Church standards, they clearly demonstrated hearts close-knit in love. Casual acquaintances can’t broach the touchy topics these Pagan Christians tossed around, unless they’re drunk. Casual acquaintances don’t usually talk about nudie Art models, nor do they cuss so much, unless they’re drunk. These guys were perhaps drunk in the Spirit, but otherwise stone, cold sober. More important, they weren’t casual acquaintances.

If it’s true, “the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF’” (and it is true, since Galatians 5:14 says so), then I ask this: is not the Pagan Christian Elephant Room righteous, by God’s standards? If so, then what does it mean?

“Be careful how you listen!” Jesus told the people, back in his day. But they didn’t listen. Think about it—the Jews in Jesus’ day were teaching about the Jews in Moses’ day, or the Jews in the Old Testament at any point who listened, but didn’t listen.

Links:

http://www.sbclife.com/Articles/2004/02/SLA4.asp

http://www.churchcentral.com/blog/180/How-many-churches-close-each-decade

“Futurecast,” By George Barna

http://marshill.com/2010/10/21/this-is-why-we-plant-churches

Hope is like letting a blind man see

Hope is light when all else is dark

Hope is being wrong, but being okay.

Hope is when you realize that you are not the most important thing in the world
(What a relief)

Hope is relief

Hope is something given,  but hardly taken
because people choose to rely on themselves, which gives no hope

Hope is life worth living

Hope is loving and loving and loving

Hope is trusting and trusting and trusting

Hope is trusting and loving and trusting that someday you will be loved

Hope is knowing you are loved, so what the hell!

Hope is understanding you have hope

Hope is doing without knowing, but hoping and trusting

Hope is looking up when you feel like looking down

Hope isn’t inside YOU, it is inside HIM

Hope makes life worth living

Hope is for other people

Hope is for the ones who don’t want to hope

Hope is undeserved

Hope lets us live and love

Hope lets people go on without knowing, but with hoping.

After family prayer and getting into the word and talking with the Lord, I am always filled with such joy that it is bursting from me. Today, I realized again how great hope is for us. I have such a hard time trusting the Lord with e v e r y t h i n g. But why should I when he has given us hope? He promises everything will work out, maybe not the way you want it to, but the way it should. I used to think hope was just something to get me through life. However, the Lord is showing me it is so much more. Hope and trust, I am finding, go hand in hand. When we trust in the Lord is when we have hope for not just our future, but for others. Not just for me and my needs, but for humanity. The Lord is going to win in the end.

Psalms 71:5

O Lord, you alone are my hope.
I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from my childhood.

If only I have trusted the Lord from my childhood, than maybe I would understand what hope is more and understand who the Lord is more. Damn, I am blown away by this hope. Right now I feel it, but even when I don’t feel it I will have it because the Lord is in my heart. Wow… I want everyone to feel this hope, this meaning, this relationship.

Ps 118:8

It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in people.

I apply this verse to myself: it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in myself.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMN. Ok, good night!

Round 2 of the conference, which “features blunt conversations between seven influential pastors who take differing approaches to ministry. No keynotes. No canned messages,” will take place this coming Wednesday, from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm, at Harvest Studios, in Aurora Illinois.

Why is this relevant to us? The whole conference will be broadcast live and screened at locations all over the country, including right here in Hudson. From 10:00am to 5:00pm, at Christ Community Chapel, right here in Hudson, you can view the entire Elephant Room conference, moderated by James MacDonald of Harvest Bible Chapel, and Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church.

Logistics

Admittance to the screenings is $29 for students, (Normally it would be $99 for adults, but Christ Community Chapel’s website has this to say: “The student registration rate of $29 has now been made available for all ages–despite whether you are a student or not. Just register as a “student” in the form provided. A student ID is not required at the door.” So everyone can get in for $29.) Registrations are accepted for the Hudson screening at http://theelephantroom.com/. Simply click “locations” and sign up for the Cleveland, Ohio location. Group rates are available for 8 or more people.

This is a steal, and a great opportunity especially for students to see seven theological minds debate, and talk about some of the biggest topics in American Christianty

Christ Community Chapel

750 W Streetsboro St

Hudson, OH 44236

Wednesday, January 25, 2012 from 10:00 AM – 5:00 PM (EST)

CANCELLATIONS: Registrations are transferable but not refundable. If you would like to transfer tickets, please email the information to Info@TheElephantRoom.org.

What’s it about?

Among several other topics discussed last year, the Elephant Room talked about NewSpring Church’s controversial performance of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” at its worship service. Some pastors were aghast at the audacity of the performance, while others, like Driscoll, had a different take. He didn’t necessarily agree that the performance was a good idea, but he was pleased that “he’s doing something! Let’s at least put a gold star on the chore chart, he’s doing something!”

Here’s the clip:

And here’s the performance:

In short, The Elephant Room is a veritable boxing ring for some of the more influential Christians in the US to come together and discuss issues pertinent to living for God in America today.

Topics for Round 2 will range from racial divides between churches and cities, to possible scandals, to the futures of denominations, to the “closed-hand” core beliefs of Christianity and the gospel, and much more! (Full list of topics below.)

Speakers:

James MacDonald

Mark Driscoll

T.D. Jakes

Jack Graham

Steven Furtick

Crawford Loritts

Wayne Cordeiro

Topics:

Come Together:

Two of the largest churches in America, in one of America’s great cities—one almost 100% black, the other almost 100% white: Is that a problem? What factors, beyond local diversity, are widening this divide? What causes such obvious segregating of the races? In what ways does being a minority worshiper hinder worship and service in the church? What churches are achieving success at breaking down these walls, and how? What do you see the other pastor doing better than your church does it?

JACK GRAHAM & T.D. JAKES | Moderated by Mark Driscoll

Help:

What do you do when a staff member fails morally? How bad is bad enough for dismissal? What responsibilities does the church continue to have to the former staff member? What if the failure involves a higher-profile pastor in your area or circle of influence? Is it ever acceptable to name a fallen pastor publicly? Can a fallen pastor re-qualify and be restored? In the same church? How soon is too soon? What safeguards can be established to help those who sincerely desire to remain faithful?

WAYNE CORDEIRO & CRAWFORD LORITTS | Moderated by James MacDonald

With a Little Help From my Friends:

Is there a future for denominations? Will networks simply replace them, or will they reinvent themselves? What can denominations offer that networks of churches cannot? Describe the health of world missions and missionaries as you see them serving around the globe. Is the model of sending missionaries through a mission agency still effective? Or is church planting through healthy churches the way to go? Is there a lack of accountability plaguing most missionaries? How can that be changed? How does para-church help or hinder the local church in world missions?

JACK GRAHAM & MARK DRISCOLL | Moderated by James MacDonald

Ticket to Ride:

What are the ‘majors’ of Christian doctrine that cannot be diluted or denied for a person to be a Christian? How can we help one another move beyond the bare minimum of accepted belief, to a pursuit of robust, soul-satisfying, biblical substance? How should we relate to those who do not yet embrace the benefit and priority of sound biblical doctrine? Is there a difference between a person in error and a wolf in sheep’s clothing? What benefits derive from keeping the majors on a separate list and not letting the ‘minors’ divide us? Is it possible to love the truth without compromise and still work passionately for unity?

MARK DRISCOLL & T.D. JAKES | Moderated by James MacDonald

Can’t Buy Me Love:

What elements must accompany a faithful presentation of the gospel? What can a pastor do to ensure that others in his ministry are presenting the gospel in all its fullness? What are some ways you have seen decisions for Christ effectively acknowledged? What responsibilities does the preacher have to lead people in a public response to the gospel? When have we oversimplified or made the gospel formulaic? When have we made the gospel too complicated, and demanded more in our evangelism than the Scriptures do?

STEVEN FURTICK & CRAWFORD LORITTS | Moderated by James MacDonald

Hard Day’s Night:

How can a pastor effectively manage the pressures of ministry? What are the warning signs for burnout? What do you see pastors doing today that is most detrimental to their marriage and children? What about pastors who are unmarried? What single action is most healing to your emotional health in ministry—and what action is most damaging? How does the care of your own soul affect the relationships that matter most?

WAYNE CORDEIRO & JAMES MACDONALD | Moderated by Mark Driscoll

We can Work it Out:

What responsibilities do we have to local pastors who exist outside our theological boundaries, but within the body of Christ? How do you confront a brother in error while showing fidelity to truth, and to the truth about biblical relationship? Given the freedom to preach your conscience, is there anywhere you wouldn’t preach? Does a pastor’s association really communicate endorsement, or is that just a carryover from fundamentalism? How can pastors practically encourage/challenge those who are different than they are? How do the benefits of broader community weigh against the dangers of confusing people about your own convictions?

STEVEN FURTICK & JAMES MACDONALD | Moderated by Mark Driscoll

(Information taken from http://www.theelephantroom.com/conversations/)

It’s an amusing interview, even if it is a little misguided for one man to attack a nation. When Mark gets mad, he swings no matter what, and once he starts swinging he doesn’t know when to stop.

The Butt Scandal

It all started when the interviewer of the Christian radio program “Unbelievable” asked Mark if it was appropriate to extol anal sex and sex toys for married couples in his new book on marriage. I’ll confess my own interest was piqued (not for my date nights with Darlene, mind you).

Mark suddenly, without warning, ties into the interviewer:

“You’re not being fair. In fact, you’re being sort of scandalous, and you’re being immature about the issue, so I don’t appreciate that. You’re going for one or two pages in the book, and you’re trying to put a little shock around that for the radio.”

To the interviewer’s credit, he politely listened and never struck back, but if the interviewer was aiming for a scandal, Mark certainly fueled that fire! (Why would he?) As a listener, you’re struck by how odd or touchy Driscoll’s reaction was.

Later the interviewer asked Mark if he is sometimes too harsh, referring to his solicitation on Facebook for “best stories” about “wimpy worship leaders.” (By this time, the audience needed no example of his harshness.) Driscoll answers by attacking England for its wimpy, effeminate preachers.

“Right now, name for me the one, young, good Bible teacher that’s known across Great Britain,” Mark said. As the interviewer pauses to think, Mark says, “You don’t have one! That is a problem! There’s only a bunch of cowards who aren’t telling the truth.”

If the interviewer was giving Mark a chance to hang himself, Mark was lunging at it. But the interviewer was stunned, and tried stammering out a response, but Mark cuts in:

“You DON’T HAVE ONE! You don’t have one young guy that anybody’s listening to on the whole earth.”

“I hope you appreciate I’m just bringing up some of the quotes that come up in this area,” the interviewer said, apologetically.

“That’s the deal with me: you’ve got to break through the cultural noise,” Mark said. “If you just say, ‘Jesus is nice, blah, blah, blah, Jesus is sweet, blah, blah, blah, then nobody listens.”

A Xenos Monster?

“I go too far sometimes,” Mark said. “Almost every other pastor I know doesn’t go far enough because the church tends to be led by men who are timid and fearful and afraid of going too far.” Mark certainly shouldn’t say such things after his experience at Xenos, unless…

Could it be that Xenos taught Mark to toughen-up a little, perhaps too much? At Xenos, Driscoll tied into us one night, saying we were all “a bunch of pricks,” and yours truly is “the biggest prick of all!” He complained that in England he was loved and supported by good brothers in the Anglican charismatic movement, but then flew to Columbus where he gets beaten-up by “a bunch of pricks.” Admittedly, charismatics are probably warmer than cold-hearted Xenos intellectuals. At the time we apologized for our prickish ways, and Mark apologized the next day for losing control.

When a tough guy like Driscoll calls you “the biggest prick of all”, is that an insult or a compliment? I’m still pondering that. Maybe, as I said, Driscoll got tougher after his Columbus visit, because he certainly extols the virtues of “big pricks” like himself, and deprecates kind and loving English brothers—a big turnaround. I don’t understand how he can praise the Anglican charismatics and its leaders, then call them a bunch of pussies.

Bitchin’ the Brits

Christianity is lame in England, no doubt, but if Mark knew anything about the “Unbelievable” interviewer, he would know the man is both young and a champion of God’s Word. He’s obviously tough enough to take Mark’s punches graciously, and brave enough to keep asking Driscoll tough questions. He dismantled Rob Bell—an American universalist who claims to be Evangelical—a few months earlier, and got him to admit he was a universalist, a feat other interviewers failed to do, and despite tremendous resistance and word games by Rob Bell. “Unbelievable” also sponsors tough-minded, well-attended conferences on apologetics across England.

Driscoll’s attack against Britain’s “Unbelievable” Christian radio is relentless, however. Later, on his blog, he writes:

With the release of our book, Real Marriage, we have now done literally dozens of interviews with Christians and non-Christians. But the one that culminated in the forthcoming article [the “Unbelievable” interview] was, in my opinion, the most disrespectful, adversarial, and subjective. As a result, we’ve since changed how we receive, process, and moderate media interviews.”¹

Driscoll goes on complain “I was selectively edited and presented in a way that is not entirely accurate”, but the evidence he gives is simply a half-hearted apology to the Brits for his own misstatements:

In particular, the quote about cowardice may not fit all British men, but for men who misuse their authority to advance their agenda, it seems applicable.

Mark wishes he gave such a qualification, but he did not. He did throw a temper-tantrum against British cowardice, it was a blanket statement, and not the result of clever editing by the reporter. Mark should have the balls to admit he misspoke rather than blame the interviewer. It is obvious that Mark is the only one being “disrespectful, adversarial.” Nothing was “selectively edited” at all.  Christian magazine rejected Driscoll’s accusations:

Ruth Dickinson, editor of Christianity magazine, says: ‘Justin’s interview with Mark Driscoll was robust and fair, and I utterly reject the claim that it was adversarial, disrespectful or subjective. We took great care to ensure that his quotes were in context, and gave him the opportunity to talk about his new book, as well as his life and theology.²

The Brit he attacks is a good brother with sound Christian doctrine, but Driscoll renounces him as a flaming liberal:

He then admitted that he very much struggles to believe in penal substitutionary atonement—that Jesus Christ died in our place a substitute for our sins—and that he does not believe in a literal hell. In short, the reporter is a very liberal Christian, and on these issues I am not.

Mark seems drunk with rage. His accusation is patently false, from beginning to end. A more sober Mark would actually research the guy’s beliefs.

The truth is that Mark began attacking “the reporter” with a flurry of mean-spirited questions, which included personal attacks against the reporter’s wife and her Evangelical church. The assault left the reporter stammering, which Driscoll says proves “he very much struggles to believe…” No Mark, he very much struggles to stand up to one of your temper-tantrums, as anyone would. After the assault Driscoll gloats, “See how I feel?”

Driscoll deliberately suppressed the statement of faith given by the interviewer during Driscoll’s assault. The dude said his theology was identical to the late John Stott, an English theologian and a friend of Xenos. According to Driscoll himself, Stott was one of the “Four Horsemen” of Evangelical theology.  So how Driscoll can possibly call this man “a very liberal Christian” is truly “Unbelievable”. Such an omission can only mean Mark is deliberately covering up his own missteps by besmirching a good man’s ministry. Certainly the man never made the evil doctrinal statements Mark attributes to him in his blog. The question must be raised whether the elders at Mars Hill are able to subdue Mark’s tongue when it’s out of control.

Driscoll claimed to know all about the UK because he visited there once, but apparently he never listened to a BBC interview, else he would recognize the interviewer was a typical British journalist. Unlike with American journalists, when a politician gives a cagey answer to a BBC reporter he will say, “Well, we already knew that, didn’t we?” and repeat the question.

In his blog, Driscoll makes a big deal about his “Communications” college degree, but as his communication gaffes keep mounting, one can only hope Driscoll will go back to get a Journalism degree. Perhaps he might learn how to avoid giving such scandalous answers to an “immature” and scandal-seeking journalist, as Mark perceived him.

Go Mark, GO!

Mark, if you’re out there, take it from “the biggest prick of all”. Let me disciple you in the ways of “prickdom”—there comes a time when a simple apology is stronger than a thousand fisticuffs. (A very quotable proverb!)

Nonetheless, “the biggest prick of all” still loves Mark Driscoll. His marriage book rattled Tony Jones so badly, Jones dropped his usual pretense as a simple, questioning mind and barred his teeth, snarling at “that misogynist crap” in Mark’s book.Of course Jones is one of the founders of Emergent-speak, the clever cloaking of secular beliefs in “Evangelical” garb. Tony refuses to marry the woman he lives with, for example. (“It’s just a piece of paper,” Jones says…and she buys it? Does anyone still use that line after high school?) Obviously Mark’s book on marriage would be “misogynist crap” for a man like that, especially when it calls for men to commit to their roles as husbands. Driscoll rattles Tony Jones and deserves some applause.

I wish Mark would aim his big gun more at the Emergent guys and stop harassing good brothers like the one at “Unbelievable”.

The Lord works miracles. It is apparent all through scripture, new testament and old. His power is mighty, yet his control is fierce. These profound miracles are sometimes scary and overwhelming. However, these miracles are also a testament of his love. If he can rebuke a storm, imagine what his love is like.

This is what I have been learning lately. The Lord is great. He can handle anything I have to offer and everyone else’s problems. I guess that hit me when my sisters confronted me. That is when I realized I must change. If I don’t I would surely become useless. Uselessness is every person’s nightmare. Look at history. Humanism is so apparent because people tried so desperately to believe in themselves. (IP retreat 2012 what what.)

On top of that, learning about God’s rest in IP was very convicting. I remember struggling with the concept the first time I hear Keith teach it. This time it was refreshing, but so much more desirable. To be in a place where you can rely on the Lord so you are at rest? That sounds amazing. I can imagine a place where I go to the Lord everyday and turn it over to him. A place where all these thoughts whizzing around my head are taken captive before the Lord. And a place of celebration in everything the Lord has given us. People, circumstances, persecution, whatever. Celebrating in God’s rest.

Adding on, I want to be useful. I want to have relationships where I am contributing, not just taking. I want to share the gospel to those who have not heard. I want to take every thought captive. And I want to turn every day to the Lord for our days are numbered and to do something significant every day would be such an honor. Basically, I want to make God’s will my own. Do I? Do I really? Of course my flesh does not. My flesh would rather lie in bed all day, dreaming of my dream life in my dream chick flick with my dream romance and my dream prince charming. I’m weird like that.

So, I went to the Lord and asked him to change my heart. I am a princess who expects to get everything I want. I am immature, oversensitive, and I am rebellious at heart. This is not who I thought I was. I knew I was depraved, but I don’t think I believed it. I still fully don’t. I cry when I don’t get what I want and I can hardly deal with “suffering” when it comes my way. I don’t believe that everything good I have is from the Lord… and that deep down I am rebellious.

I need to learn how to be humble. How to love others without expecting love in return. I was so far away from this. I’d asked the Lord to change me before, but I felt this time was different. This time, I would be willing to do whatever it took even if it was hard for me because I couldn’t become complacent. Maybe I will hit a rough patch and want to turn back, but that is what my sisters in Christ are here for.

Why do I want to change? I am useless. I felt like I was not doing anything. What was the point of walking if I was not walking? If I make it through this step, I feel like I will be back on my feet with the Lord at my side. Hopefully.  I want to love others, to see people get to God, to help my sisters grow (instead of just pulling them down.) I want the Lord’s will to be my own. No matter what it takes. I do not want to do this for selfish reasons nor do I want to take this lightly.

The Lord has already started to change my heart. Which is one of those miracles. I feel like it should almost be placed next to the Lord flooding the earth. If he can do that, he can even change a stubborn heart like mine. Lol. He has given me people at Akron to love and reach out to. He has given me beautiful sisters who I am dying to help in every possible way (I owe them!!!!!!!!) He has given me opportunity to serve in Word. He has given me things to be thankful for and people to put that on. I cannot believe it. I do not deserve it. This happened in weeks. I feel my relationships are already getting better. Although I have to struggle to keep my thoughts focused, it is definitely opportunity to trust God. I don’t deserve this!

He has also given me hope. I am so sure I have put this verse on here many, many times, but it is all too aplicable: And hope does not disappoint for the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:5)

This is all too long for someone who is trying to get their focus off of themselves, but taking a step back and looking at what the Lord has been doing for me is simply overwhelming. I feel so loved!

Thank you, members of the BOC who spoke into my life. Thank you, Lord!!!

How to answer that question? Several people asked me what surprised me most about having Simon and I wasn’t never sure what to say.  You know having a baby is going to be hard, and it is hard. You know you’re going to learn a lot, and I certainly am. You know you’re going to love them so much, and I am experiencing a new capacity to love, a depth and intensity previously unparalleled because your sacrifice and investment is also unparalleled. I had never spent nearly every waking moment trying to keep someone else alive, and all the other moments trying to keep myself alive so I could keep Simon alive (when he was a newborn). The caretaking which both pours out from and feeds an overwhelming maternal love was a new experience for me and thus somewhat of a surprise, yet I expected to love in a whole new way.

The postpartum hormonal experience was a bit shocking, as I described in “Giants in the Land.” At the same time, I’d heard about the oxytocin-estrogen-etc. rollercoaster and it doesn’t really last that long. Along with this, when Simon was first born I felt very close to Neil. But after a few weeks I realized I felt sort of distant from him. Of course our lives and schedules and time together had all changed and that contributed to the feeling. But another part was simply that I was experiencing motherhood, and Neil could never relate fully to this. He wasn’t breastfeeding eight hours a day or sleeping no more than a couple hours at a time (because he wasn’t breastfeeding). He would never know the hormones, the stitches, or the way motherhood takes over your brain. I’ll never know what it’s like to be a father, but I can’t imagine the transformation is as all-consuming as becoming a mother.

I started to resent Neil for a little while, not because he was doing anything wrong, but just because he would never get it. He’d pop his head in the nursery and ask, “Is it okay if I go play basketball with the guys?” and it was okay, I wanted him to go. But I also wanted him to know what it was like to not have the option to just go and do whatever he wanted. I didn’t even really want to do anything because I was happy to take care of Simon; I just found myself missing the freedom he still had. But the distance and resentment passed soon once we talked, the hormones waned, and Simon grew older.

But to answer the question: what was really a pleasant surprise was how Simon changed Neil. He started warming up to babies a little with our friends’ kids, but to see Neil cry when Simon was born, to watch him fuss over him and hear him brag about Simon’s cuteness was, well, surprising and amazing. He even complained to me when one of the babysitters didn’t wax eloquent about Simon’s cuteness. Now Simon is so excited to play with Neil when he comes home from work and gets sad when he goes to another room. Neil has lots of grand plans of fishing, camping, and playing with Simon when he’s older, but he always says, “I’m not in a hurry for Simon to grow up. I’m really enjoying this phase and how he is right now.” And Neil was never a baby kind of guy. In fact the first time I told Neil I was pregnant his joyful response was “Shit.” (And we were trying). He was scared to death about being a parent and now he’s so in love with Simon. So to answer Courtney’s question, the most surprising and sweetest thing about becoming  a mom was for me to see my husband become a dad.