Where is the Love?

“Where Is the Love?” cover

Well it’s like 2:30 AM and i am up late, listening to some soothing tunes. I haven’t gotten out a real personal blog in a while. However, I don’t think this one will be too sweet like my old ones either. Well anyways, I think I want to open up a little…

This past year and almost a half, I have been in rebellion against God. Actually, I’ve been in rebellion for much longer than that, but I think I really started to rebel after I broke up with my past girlfriend. (Not her fault, in fact I think the Lord used it as an opportunity to open up how I really felt about doing things God’s way.) I came to a point in my life where I wanted to stop leading others spiritually. All through high school, I strived to become a leader. Someone who the Lord used greatly in others’ lives. That was my dream, to be like the Apostle Paul or Abraham or Keith. They are such powerful dudes and have brought much glory to God. They were (and are) living the way God had designed all his beloved creation to live, as significant, powerful, love-driven, revolutionaries! Changing the face of the Kosmos in a significant way! Fighting the good fight in victory!

Why then did I turn my back on them? Pride. I began to see a spiralling issue in my life. The fact that I always run from the Lord and the Body of Christ, and I indulge my sinful desires of instant-gratification. I love to hide my issues from others. It makes me feel that I have control over my life. I desire control, that’s it. I never want to surrender to the Lord when it comes to my problems. My entire life I have hid from the Lord by indulging my own methods of self-gratification. I don’t want to hold my thoughts captive to the Lord. I want to hold let my th0ughts ‘roam free’.’ but the truth is. they aren’t  free. My whole life I’ve always have an absence of Joy, or very minimal experiences of Joy throughout my life. I want to experience the Joy of being under grace, through suffering, and through significance. I guess I just wish I wasn’t so infantile and immature… It stinks

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8 thoughts on “Where is the Love?

  1. Smalls! Dude I love the honesty of this post. Im praying for ya dawg. It is amazing what the Apostles did! I also struggle with geting all “why cant I be like that!” But I know that the faith steps that God puts in our lives are different then others. The trick is figuring out what our next step is. What do you think yours is?

  2. Well Jeff, God is a God of truth, and he honors your truthfulness. Obviously God knows you’re trying to live in some kind of dark corner. You may deceive everyone else in the world but you’ll never be able to deceive him.

    I have one question, though.

    You say that through your whole life you’ve always had an absence of joy, or at best, minimal experiences of joy.

    Why do you think that is?
    Why are you so joyless?

  3. Well Jeremiah, I think he answered your question in the blog, to some degree.

    But as for you, Jeff: did you apply for a job yet at Justin’s restaurant? I do know that when I was unproductive in my youth, I was also very depressed. It goes back to “substance” and “significance” —

    1 Thessalonians 4:9-11 (NASB) Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;
    for indeed you do practice it toward all the brethren who are in all Macedonia. But we urge you, brethren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you,

    Significance: the result of Victorious Love Output.

    Substance: developing the resources & ability & muscle to love (“quiet life..attend to your own business..work..”)

    Without substance, it’s impossible to ever love someone, because there’s really nothing to give to anyone; so it’s a life of taking (i.e., Infantile).

    But I’m also thrilled by your openness, Jeff. And don’t think you’re the loser of the world, because I’ve been there, done that, and it does get really old.

  4. I’m not sure he does answer that question, Keith. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding the answer. Jeff writes that “This past year and almost a half, I have been in rebellion against God.” But then he goes on to say “My whole life I’ve always have an absence of Joy, or very minimal experiences of Joy throughout my life.” And continues to explain by saying “My entire life I have hid from the Lord by indulging my own methods of self-gratification.”

    Obviously there’s a lot of time unaccounted for in there. If the rebellion of the past year and a half explains the joylessness of that time, I understand that.

    I guess I was looking for more clarification on the other 17 or so years. They’ve all been just as joyless as this past year? That would mean that whether or not Jeff lives in rebellion against God has nothing to do with his state of joy…sort of saying a state of rebellion against God produces the same amount of joy (none) as gladly following his will.

    Maybe I should rephrase the question.

    Jeff: What do you think is a good way to have, be, feel, experience, joy(ful)?

  5. Well, i was talking with Keith about it last night. There are points in my life where I do have energy and do try to go out and be a witness to Christ, and Keith was explaining to me that having that energy and determination is being joyful for my position in Christ. I guess being a mel I often confuse the concept of Joy with feelings of contentment and happiness. Because honestly, I have a very hard time being content with anything, which also ties with understanding what the truth of the situation is, which gets easily distorted by my feelings (and the evil one’s influence), ingratitude otherwise.

    I over exaggerated a lot on the whole never been joyful thing. When I write a blog under the flesh I do usually forget things that important and truthful. Which is why I usually never want to blog while in the flesh, or maybe that’s just a pride issue.

    Keith is right bout one thing, I have no idea how to love others when I’m stuck at home sulking and gettin no work done.

  6. OK, I think I understand. What it seems like you’re saying is that when you’re being spiritually productive, you feel joyful and when you’re not being spiritually productive, you feel dissatisfied and discontent. That makes sense.

    Thanks Jeff.

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