It’s been a while since my last blog. Wish I could say I was too busy doing the Lord’s work and building relationships, but that’d be a lie. For the past year or so, I have been in rebellion with the Lord. I’ve been forsaking my closest friends, and trying to lead my life my own way, the infantile way. I let my bitterness towards the Lord drive my emotions and my decisions, and I have to say that it didn’t get me anywhere.

Anyways, I wanted to apologize to all my dudes who I lived with, Kyle, Tom, Paul, Viking, Scott, and Adam. I apologize for shutting you guys out of my life, for not loving you guys, for not trying to build you guys up with encouragement, and for not being vulnerable and open with you guys. I want to thank you guys so much for showing me love and having the willingness to kick me out of the ministry house when I wouldn’t respond to reason, wasn’t willing to serve, and didn’t want anything to do with others. These past few months living at my parents’ house have been rough, but I realize the Lord was trying to show me that I really needed him leading my life and that without serving others, there was no way I could learn to mature in my relationships. You guys stuck in there with me, encouraging me to come to house meetings, letting me know how much you cared about me, and how important of a role I play in your lives, and I am very grateful for that. Thanks to your guys loving response to my rebellion, the Lord has shown me how unwise and how unable I am to lead a victorious life without him. On a more positive note, the Lord has been showing me how fulfilling and joyful it is to serve others. He’s been showing me how much you guys truly care for me and how blessed I am to have you guys in my life. I can depend on you guys. I can share my burdens with you guys, and I know you guys are more than willing to help me out in any time of need. You guys bring great joy to my life.

I also want to thank my ol’ friend, Keith. Even when I am deeply inbedded in my flesh, you just sift through the bullshit and reveal to me the truth. I’m sorry for taking our relationship for granted this past year and not communicating or opening up with you. You stuck in there with me and were still able to mess with my infantile ways. I am so grateful for the Lord putting you in my life and in our Body of Christ. The Lord has used you to define a life of victorious outlaw love, and He has used you to give us the vision the Lord wanted us to have. My life and the life of countless others have been changed by your love for the Lord and love you’ve shown in your relationships in this Body of Christ. You have been such a blessing.

Well, anyways I’m really excited to see what the Lord has in store for our ministry and to move in with Mike, Justin, and Zak this summer! I’m also psyched to be helping out the old folks at Gardens of Western Reserve, and to be serving them. Does this blog count for the blogosphere contest?

Well it’s like 2:30 AM and i am up late, listening to some soothing tunes. I haven’t gotten out a real personal blog in a while. However, I don’t think this one will be too sweet like my old ones either. Well anyways, I think I want to open up a little…

This past year and almost a half, I have been in rebellion against God. Actually, I’ve been in rebellion for much longer than that, but I think I really started to rebel after I broke up with my past girlfriend. (Not her fault, in fact I think the Lord used it as an opportunity to open up how I really felt about doing things God’s way.) I came to a point in my life where I wanted to stop leading others spiritually. All through high school, I strived to become a leader. Someone who the Lord used greatly in others’ lives. That was my dream, to be like the Apostle Paul or Abraham or Keith. They are such powerful dudes and have brought much glory to God. They were (and are) living the way God had designed all his beloved creation to live, as significant, powerful, love-driven, revolutionaries! Changing the face of the Kosmos in a significant way! Fighting the good fight in victory!

Why then did I turn my back on them? Pride. I began to see a spiralling issue in my life. The fact that I always run from the Lord and the Body of Christ, and I indulge my sinful desires of instant-gratification. I love to hide my issues from others. It makes me feel that I have control over my life. I desire control, that’s it. I never want to surrender to the Lord when it comes to my problems. My entire life I have hid from the Lord by indulging my own methods of self-gratification. I don’t want to hold my thoughts captive to the Lord. I want to hold let my th0ughts ‘roam free’.’ but the truth is. they aren’t  free. My whole life I’ve always have an absence of Joy, or very minimal experiences of Joy throughout my life. I want to experience the Joy of being under grace, through suffering, and through significance. I guess I just wish I wasn’t so infantile and immature… It stinks

Well, I have a hardened heart… I find myself confused and losing sight of what grace and gratitude are. I gotta grow up, but I can’t figure out how. I can’t seem to rely on the lord, and it makes me feel ultra shitty. I keep running away like a little kid to my own vices, instead of standing up and carrying my load. I need help, but I find myself not seeking it. WoW how lame of a blog eh? I guess I just wanted to get something out, at least start from some point of opening up about my feelings and depravity. Because at this point I feel like I’ve lost it. I don’t want to kill myself but I find myself stressed out about nothing and getting all bent outta shape about things that the Lord could easily help me out and relieve me of. I keep turning to my own strength, and i continue to fail. I’m failing at school, failing my relationships, and most of all failing to put my trust in the Lord. I really don’t want to publish this but if I don’t say anything then I can’t say I’m making any effort to repent… So I guess I’ll just start out with this, I am royally fucked up at this point, afraid to rely on the lord, afraid to step up and be a man, and not succeeding in my studies…

I’m sorry for the unlifting blog, guys. But please help me, I need help with school, what should I try to do for ministry? How do I turn to gratitude and humbly seek the Lord? How do I get my fucking shit together and make a plan?

It was the oddest experience I’ve ever had at a Bible study. I met a reverend that was wearing a Rastafarian hat with fake dreadlocks, got to play video games, watched a movie that scared me out of my wits, and encountered a Christian fellowship that would become the biggest part of my life. That was the day I met Xenos.

The following day was a bit woozy, considering I couldn’t sleep the night before. My parents really didn’t take that too well. I spent that next day just thinking about all the fun I had. It even began to puzzle me. Can Christians really have so much fun studying the Bible? All the memories I’ve ever had about Christianity are being forced to go to Church and Sunday school every Sunday. I took it for granted that it had to be the video games and movie that created the exciting atmosphere, but that didn’t bother me because I was all about them. I decided that day that I would keep going. Why miss out on all the fun?

There were also meetings on Saturdays. I was told it was called ‘Chill.’ It somewhat surprised me. Why would you call a Bible study ‘Chill?’ I thought it was really unusual but pretty cool, and so I went to those as well. This time there were many more people, girls and guys, and it was so much fun. One activity was going on a scavenger hunt, and it was a thrilling experience. We drove through all the nearby towns searching for items on a list, and we took pictures in front of hard-to-find signs and of random objects or places. After weeks of fun activities, the question popped back into my head again. Why is this Bible study so fun? The thought soon was drowned away by my own assumptions; it had to be all the activities.

Each and every time I went to the meetings, it was always a blast and an exhilarating time. I became more interested in the Bible teachings as the weeks went on, but I was still primarily excited about the fun stuff, like video games. With each teaching, I began to realize more and more how much of a nuisance I was to the other guys in the group, and how these guys in my Bible study really cared for me. It really hit me; these guys are the best friends anyone could ever ask for! That may seem cliché, but it’s true in its entirety. Nothing has changed my life more than coming around to Xenos. Although it took years, I finally realized through my friendships at Xenos that I was leading my own life on my own terms. I wasn’t in a relationship with God, and he played no role in my life. One night, at a retreat, I began my relationship with God by accepting Christ’s death for mine. I didn’t get a climatic reaction from my decision, but I could tell things were going to turn out much more different.

The one thing I am most grateful for is my friends and companions from Xenos Christian Fellowship. I am especially grateful for my friends: Kyle, Mike, Bryan, Greg, and most of all, Keith. Kyle played the role of “Reality Check” in my life. He always knew when I wanted to do my own thing, and he always challenged me by annoying me, turning off games on me, and many other things that fired up my temper. He was always giving great advice on relationships and tactics in Christian ministry. To this day, he’s been one of my most valuable friends, and I hope that we never lose our friendship and trust in one another.

My dear friend, Mike, was always a challenge to relate to mainly because he was much more sensitive and emotional than anyone else. He is an awesome dude, and he is one of the most enjoyable people to be around. He’s taught me much about being sensitive and tender-hearted to others. We had some very rough times in the past few years with our relationship; however, God used Mike to teach me how much I needed to rely on God in order to preserve and nurture my relationship with him. He’s been a great friend, and we are very open with one another. I am glad he’s been a part of my life.

Bryan has always been to me like a little brother mainly because we’ve grown so close. He is one of the coolest guys I have met. I’ve always been willing to open up with him more than to anyone else my age. He’s been a real comfort to me in my life, and I am so glad he’s been there to help me out whenever he can. He’s also a really good disser, and always gets on my case whenever I am out of line with others and acting selfishly. I look forward to build my relationship with him till the end of time.

Greg has been one of the greatest mentors in my life. He has helped me out with many personal struggles and battles. He’s very wise and practical, and he has been very helpful with helping me become mature and build up others. Greg is like a father to me in many ways, and he’s a very important person in my life.

I could go on forever about my experiences with my friend, Keith. He is the one man I can open up with completely. He understands what I struggle with, and he has gone out of his way to love me so many times. We’ve fought with each other many times during the earlier days, but it was because he knew I needed it to see how selfish I was. He has helped me realize so much about myself and the potential I have to be significant in others’ lives. He has impacted my life like no other person here on earth. All I can do for Keith is thank him so much for all he’s done.

Well, I finally figured out why this Bible study is fun and exciting. Though, I don’t think I’ll tell you why, reader. There are some things that can’t be told or read in the news. It takes something more personal than that. All I know is that when I met Xenos, I, really, was meeting someone else.

Well tonight, we had a combined cell visit to The Chapel to check out the college social scene in UA! When we got there, we were instantly lost as to how to even get to the place! After a quest of many halls, we finally found ourselves smack in the middle of the college scene. I’ll admit, I feel a bit intimidated at first. The tribalism is there when I’m at an entirely new social scene, but the Lord freed me of it, and I was able to get some info from the college dudes before the teaching began. I met the pastor there and he said about 150 college dudes are concrete members. He says the average attendance is about 300 every thursday, which isn’t bad. I’m just thinking that seems kinda low for the gigantic church, The Chapel. A lot of college dudes go in and out he said.

The teaching started out pretty much how I was expecting it to. Plenty of singing to make your mind go numb! (No offense). I’m just not much of a gospel singer, which is odd because I love to sing. I guess I just find it irrelevant in the sense that I don’t much knowledge from it, or perhaps I just like sitting down the whole time, like at school. It does me some good to sing every once in a while, I guess. The teaching itsel was interesting to say in the least. It was odd. I couldn’t fully understand what the whole message was. He presented two options in choosing what we’d want to do. Painting this beautiful painting across an entire church (forgot the name of it), or helping the pastor paint his down-graded garage. I thought it would be much more serving to help him out with the garage rather then just wallowing in my self-brilliance in painting. He was trying to make a different point, in that we should strive to be able to paint the church, something that is beautiful, and it lasts forever. The garage would only last a couple more years. I guess it makes sense… I was thinking being a steward of Christ to others would be what we wanted to strive towards, not basking in the glory of our own creation, but I think he was trying to paint a picture for the beauty of heaven. What things will be like past this life, which is cool. The Word wasn’t heavily relied on, and it was serious throughout the whole teaching… No comic relief anywhere! It was pretty tough to sit through, but we did manage to sing a song at the end! They always brighten the mood! Haha… I’m such an evil mel! My sarcasm is going to ruin me one day! Haha.

An Absence of God’s Rest

Well after the whole shbeal with the chapel, we went around campus looking for the parties. We didn’t find many, and what we did they weren’t very partying. As much as I’d like to disagree with Keith, Akron is much of a partying campus. Not many college dudes are out and about. We headed over to Taco Hell to grab some grub and have a party of our own. It was a blast! I really love these dudes in our fellowship. I am truly blessed to be a part of this group of dudes who give a shit about me, even though it involves agitating me in every possible way. I gotta be grateful for that, though, because I’d be super uptight if they didn’t help me to loosen up, at least a little bit. When we got back to Kyle’s, I drove Greg back home and then headed home myself.

So, Greg pointed out to me something he noticed. He pointed out that it seems like I’ve been without Joy, without God’s rest. I gave my usual response to a deep and sensitive question. The “I don’t know, I don’t think so, possibly… I don’t know.” It’s really ambiguous and pointless to say because it’s very vague and passive. His point, though, is right. I’m not living in God’s rest; I’ve been living in confusion, isolation, and anger.

A couple of weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was a very hard decision to make because my emotions made every attempt to cloud my judgment. I didn’t ‘guard my heart’ I willingly gave it away. It was a stupid decision. It became apparent to me that I royally fucked up with my relationship, and it had to end before I tied into her even more. The Lord gave me his strength and courage though, and we ended it. It was a relieving experience the next couple days, but over the weeks I feel lonely. It’s completely irrational because I have so many relationships that provide me with fruit and love.

Fallenness Sucks!

This past weekend, we went to look at a house in Kent. It was a real blast! The house had an enormous family room, which would be perfect for doing ministry, but it’s in Kent, and I’m going to Akron. When I told my parents we were looking at Kent too, they didn’t like it, at all. I got in a huge argument with them about it, trying to explain why Kent was a viable reason to be looking into, but they still thought Akron was the way to go all the way. It left me feeling confused about everything with college. I didn’t know what to major in anymore. I didn’t know who to trust in, my parents or Keith. I began to feel like I was being manipulated by others. I just wanted to start a ministry house; I didn’t care where or how. I felt like my thoughts and ideas had no purpose. I, honestly, felt like a drone, just doing what I’m told. I still feel a bit like that. I feel pushed, but I have no basis for my judgment. My emotions fuck up the truth. The devil has been playing his cards, and he’s been winning some hands.

I need prayers, our upcoming college ministry needs prayers for its direction. I’ve been working on my memory verses, and they’ve been helping a lot. I’m struggling with having a thankful heart, because gratitude is the difference between life and death for me… Read my Laws of Life Paper! It’s on one of these blogs! Thanks for reading guys. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ. They all play very significant roles in my life, and I could go on forever about how grateful I am. I really hope we get a ministry house this year, living with these guys is going to be one of the greatest experiences of my life; though, it’s going to suck ass all through it! Haha…

The trip to Florida is only a week away, and I am growing more and more impatient with waiting any longer. There’s been much turmoil running through my flesh. The battle between the flesh and the Spirit is ripe within my heart. I just want a break from this world system…

My Ungrateful Heart

“Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from this body of death?” Paul once said. It is a very honest and personal question. I am sure this verse was very heart-felt when he expressed it. It is a heart-pleading question of my own, but Paul is much wiser then I. He knows the truth about the Lord and his grace much more then I. That’s why he can reason with his feelings feel powerful feelings of joy, deep down to the heart. I, however, am still struggling much with this truth, “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.“

I struggle with accepting the fact that I am such a broken and fallen man. I find myself being obsessive over others. I often feel reluctant to share my feelings, even when I try my hardest to share them. My silent voice cries out but can’t be heard. If only I could mutter a word, express the way I feel or have been feeling. My pride makes every effort to forbid revealing the evil Darth Sidious inside me. I am not innocent, and no one else is to blame for my depression and heart-felt pains. The only thing is, all my bases for feeling sad or hurt are on trite and pointless things, when in reality I have so many blessings in my life. My greatest struggle is trusting in the Lord with my burdens and being confident in the Lord.

The Lord has given me the ultimate and eternal gift of grace. I have a very spiritually fulfilling life, yet I find myself once again feeling ungrateful and distraught. I struggle with accepting the truth that I am still an infantile creature, deeply fallen from my original purpose. It still manages to bring down me down. How much I just want to plea to God to free me of this evil heart, but then I realize the Lord is already doing that. I am just too impatient.

I just feel pretty insignificant right now. I want it to be time for Florida already. There are a lot of things I want, but it’s like how the song goes…

Well, I am kinda bored, haven’t done much at all today so I’m going to try and do something useful and edifying with my time before I get some rest. I don’t really have a topic at the moment, so this part of the paragraph may not be here much longer I’m afraid…

A Good Bounce

I guess you could say I’ve had a truly blissful past week and weekend. Not because everything went exactly the way I wanted it to, well maybe more my way then usual, but really because I have just been filled with joy and gratitude. It’s so odd, when I’m ungrateful I can easily be overcome with deep feelings of loneliness and sorrow. When I’m grateful though, I am teeming with overflowing joy, and I share my joy with others. Love ethics class was super tight. I got to hear Martha teach for the first time (and possibly the last time), and it’s so cool how others-focused her thoughts and advice are. I am just blown away by all of the Xenos teachers, Keith, Greg, Dennis, Gary, and Joel. I think one of the most aspiring traits these teachers have is the ability to pull any verse from the Bible out of their asses for any situation just about. God is so heavily involved in their lives and it just amazes me how God grants these guys true significance, and I bet that, even though the Kosmos sucks ass, they get to experience some truly fulfilling joy that makes my joyous week look like a better then average weekend… I mean sure this week made me feel overjoyed but they spend every week giving significance to others who have less, little, or none. They routinely provide gifts of salvations, gifts of God-seeded wisdom, and some very powerful gifts of encouragement. They were willing to God seriously and humble their roles in the Kosmos to take on far greater roles in God’s Plan.

It was really cool to actually make an effort to reach out and relate to my brother. It may haven’t been some life-changing event, but rather a simple chance to go bowling and chat about video games and music. The Lord used me in my Chemistry class to finally start reaching out to a couple of Juniors. Though, there’s one taste I still have yet to try. The taste of praying with someone who has never prayed to God before. The taste of witnessing someone receiving eternal salvation through Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross. I have longed for the chance to see someone become a brother in Christ and be one of the first to welcome him to a whole new universe. I know that the joy would be truly fulfilling but only because of one thing, I was willing to completely rely on the Lord and pursue another’s life without knowing what to expect from each word I’d say.

The Greatest Test Thus Far…

This is the greatest test of faith I have been exposed to yet. So far, it hasn’t been in any way easy. The Lord has called me truly to witness to my friend, Alex. I know the Lord has chosen him specifically for me too because he’s the hardest to relate to at least for me. It challenges every aspect of how I relate to others. Not just in relying on the Lord to speak through me, but I have to work at enunciating the message clearly. I have to be patient with my words and listening to his. It’s so crazy because I mumble, like to handle things on my own, and I’m impatient!!

So, I just ask for your prayers, and I pray too for the Lord’s strength, patience, and some tact! I am tired, and I need some sleep. Yea, I don’t know what else to say. That’s what I came up with from just deciding to write a blog… By the way, today was blissful because of some things I don’t feel like sharing to the masses.

One Other Thing…

I just want to send a round of thanks to some people before I leave. I really just want to thank the leaders and teachers in this fellowship. I have been countlessly blessed with wisdom, encouragement, and love. I thank Keith for his continued pursuit of others’ for the Lord, for pursuing my heart. I thank Greg for your amazingly sweet ability to randomly bust out verses from thin air for just about any situation I have brought up with you and for the sweet Christmas gift! Ha ha. I want to thank Joe for pushing me with his comments to start blogging more often. I am making a greater effort, though, it may not be for very long. I want to thank Kyle and B for always cutting me off of my selfish ambition of always wanting to listen to my music because I always need to be reminded of my selfishness and that the world, in fact, doesn’t revolve around me. Honestly, I was just thinking about it when I was chatting with Anele today. I hope that I get to grow old with you guys, or at least until the day the Lord reconciles us to him. I want to thank Dodd for helping carry that mountain of wood into the garage. I want to thank the Lord God Almighty for putting all of these dudes in my lives and using me to have an affect on these guys. Also, I want to thank Theodore for letting me date his wonderful daughter. Finally, I want to thank Anele for being a lovely girlfriend and a surprisingly good kisser… Did I say that? I lie! I swear we have never kissed! We would never do that! NEVER!!

Yea, I am just too overjoyed right now to say anymore… Here’s a song.

Well, today was a pretty sweet day. Not going to lie! I got to sleep in, go to Philosophy Club again after a long absence from that, and home church is always a refreshing experience and enjoyment. I have quite a few things on my mind at the moment so this may come out, pretty jumbled and sporadic.

The Scar…

It is such a scar on my heart to see one of my closest friends turn his back on me after all the great memories and experiences we have dealt with. We have been great friends for such a long time, since middle school! Now, we have never been so far apart in our relationship, but I still have to deal with him every day, for so many hours of the day too. It is such a struggle to deal with someone who you have been so close to in the past, but now they are a back-stabber, a con artist, a liar, and a false accuser. Now more then ever, he has ascended to a position where he defines the word, “swine,” and it is such a pothole in reaching out to my other friends who he hangs around with too. While I hang around him, he acts like a good friend; he even praises me for some of the English papers I wrote, which dealt with my life as a Christian! Yet, he is cruel enough to go behind my back and mock me from afar to his “allies.” Years before, he could have looked at what he wrote today and say, “Wow! What an evil thing to do!” Now, it’s the very thing he thrives on, seeing me and others fail and falsely accusing us of being sub-human. I weep for my friend. I truly weep for him. Even though he has grown into something so disgusting and evil, my heart still yearns for his repentance to the Lord and seeing him grow in the likeness of Christ. I am so glad that the Lord has grown so much in me these past few years.

The Glory of God…

Even with all the pain I have had to endure my friend’s false accusations and mockery, the Lord has softened my heart. He has given me a powerful position in ministry. He gives me strength in my weaknesses. He is a God of Love. He desires to see all men grow in the likeness of him. He desires the best of us. There are so many things about God that are so stunningly amazing and so utterly heart-warming and wisdom endowing. I am so full of His love. I hope to always return my eyes to His truth in suffering, in excitement, in spiritually fulfilling times, in depressing times. I am so appreciative of this period of fulfillment and empowerment.

Loving Others…

Yea, I think it’s going to be a very long process on building a mindset of others-centered. The Lord is really testing me with my patience because I know have very little patience. Man, I am just so glad how everything bad and good that happens to me can result in me growing in the Lord. Arg! I wish it was the beginning of college already! I want to learn how to become a man! I am tired of being a boy who still needs his mommy! I want to be able to be a man who can offer something to others! I strive for significance! Me and my impatience… I’ll learn some day..

I can’t wait till this weekend! I am finally going to reach out to my little bro and do something with him for a change! I must sound like such a geek right now… I think it’s just me though… I added this song, cuz it makes me think of the end of time and when we do arrive in Paradise City… maybe not the Paradise City they mean, but you know, where God will dwell with us…

I am in the middle of finishing my report for Love Ethics (Who coulda guessed I’d wait till the last minute??). I wanted to write a blog to help clear my head of all these crazy thoughts and ideas (Yea, Right). A lot of things have been rummaging through my head lately, and it’s been tough putting up with it all…

It’s been about six years since I have been at Xenos. They have been the most wonderful years of my life, despite how fucked I started out and how fucked up I still am. I am so utterly grateful to the Lord. I could type for days on end about all the countless blessings I have received. All of which I could have hardly deserved at all… I started out as a flustered, arrogant, aimless thirteen year old. I struggled much with having my will bended and blocked off by my cell group pals. Thanks guys, don’t know how much of an ass I’d be now, if you didn’t help to straighten me out. Those years have been really impacting, but I have come along nowadays to face something completely different in my path towards the perfection of Christ, my heart.

My Heart…

Very recently in my walk with Christ, I have been deeply impacted by the destructive sin that I am struggling with. Bold Love helped point out one key sin that has been squeezing me dry of joy and strength, Envy. I always find myself yearning for something greener on the other side. Something that is more satisfying, that brings me happiness. Every day, I am overcome by anguish and my emotions quickly take away my ability to make Godly judgments. I often have thoughts of cracking under all the pressure I have put on my shoulders, that I will inevitably fail my friends. But why would I have thoughts like this? I know that I will fail my friends, but they will forgive me because of grace. Keith’s teaching on Job had opened my eyes to what lies ahead. One day, Satan will accuse me of only being faithful because of all the gifts I receive, and I have received many. The Lord will let him strip me down of all my blessings to test if I am truly faithful to God or not. I fear that I will break under such tension. That I will arrogantly accept no more grace from God, my friends, or even my family. I can say this one thing for sure… My heart has been broken out of its shell I have built around it, but I am unwilling to let anyone see it for what it is, broken, imperfect, and fragile…

So I pray for strength to be willing to make myself vulnerable, and to trust the Lord’s ability that he can fix this utterly evil heart of mine… I just pray to get my mind calmed and focused, so I can focus on the Lord’s truth… It’s not one of my longest blogs, but I can say its one of my deepest confessions… I read it now and it all seems so irrational, and it is. That kinda makes sense ,though, because who has a rational heart anyways? I’d say I’ll try to blog more often but, honestly, I don’t have a clue when another one will pop out…

Just for some comic relief here’s my favorite picture of Josh ever…